Up a Creek..........

I dedicate this story to my dear friend Heather for her 50th Birthday. 

I love you very much and it is a honour to call you my Sister.

 Birthdays are wonderful times to spend with friends and family, so what a lovely surprise when we were invited to Fiji' Bennett's 50th Birthday cruise. Two hours down the river and up creeks on a boat,  with champagne, cocktails and a 5 piece Lesbian Jazz Band.  Wonder where old Fiji got that idea, those girls are in such a big demand especially the double bass player. As normal my dear husband is away on business, that's the life of an International Banker. So being the kind and caring soul you have grown to know, thought that the rotting flesh housekeeper might enjoy a night out.

"Rosario you sorry excuse for a human being, get in here now or you can stay here and clean my parquet flooring with your tongue." I finish the last drops from the Sloe Gin bottle, picking up the Birthday present and card I head for the door. Locking the door I scream for the munchkin from hell.

"Move it dog breath or we will miss the boat."

"What's the problem strange boy I'm here." I turn around and the dead weed is standing in front of me.

"You can do all that voodoo rubbish with other people but not me, how the hell did you get here so fast?"

"Hurry up Strange boy, you are making us late now." She start shuffling down the driveway.

As it was a wonderful evening and two bottles had already been consumed from the cellar, we thought the walk to the boat would do us good.

"Why are we walking the long way?" Rosario asked as we turned right out the gates instead of left.

"For some stupid reason next door neighbour thinks it's my fault that Mrs West and the Count "shat" in her front hedge. Just keeping my head down until the dust settles or the shit goes hard so she can remove it."

Turning the corner of the road we could see the boat and the other invited guests boarding.

"This is going to be an interesting night." I stopped walking and stared at the boat. Sitting on the top deck was Mr & Mrs West and two other guests that just makes my skin crawl,

The Van Da Cock twins.

 

  Cedric and Mathieu Van Da Willy are a mystery, two small but very round, middle aged men from Belgium. No one knows if they are brothers, lovers or both. The only difference between them is one has a higher pitched voice and both men have voices that just grates on you the moment they opens their mouths. To me they always look like Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee, but these two creatures are just pure Belgium chocolate that when you bite into it its pure poison, nasty pair of Queens. They are not two faced or three faced, these bitches are at least six faced. That is why they are close friends with the Wests, plus De-de and Cedric are bridge partners. Oh for fuck sake, the only reason that cow has them around is because Cedric is the best player in the county and two evil minds together results in an unbeaten record.

"I feel that my Egyptian Ancestors have just entered me from behind and are showing me a hunting scene. Do you know what the Egyptian Kings and Queen loved to do Rosario?"

"No but you are going to tell me anyway"

"They enjoyed nothing better than sailing down the Nile, Hippo hunting and right now I can see four very large Hippo's basking in the sun on the top deck."

We stood in line to greet Fiji before boarding the vessel.  Standing at the edge of the boat was the Birthday girl looking like her sexy rugby boyfriend had just dragged her through a hedge and ravished her and by the looks of her she bloody well enjoyed it. I pray to the Lesbian God in the Sky it wasn't the next door neighbours hedge.

"Dizzy thank you for coming" kissing me on both cheeks"

"Darling its wonderful thank you for the invite. I notice you wanted contributions towards the cost of this dingy instead of presents. Sorry but it's a privilege for you to have me attend this event, plus a Queen never carries cash, so my staff went out and got you a present." I hand the bag over and look down at the rag doll beside me.

"What did we get again, dragons breath?"

"Jimmy Choo perfume"

" Good, as long as you got the Boots double points on it" and then I minced onto the boat.

Thinking it would be better to stay out of the way, the bar downstairs would be the safest option. The main problem with parties like this is plastic cups. I am sorry but you never drink champagne from plastic, it's so rude. Lucky I always keep close to my skin a hip flask of Sloe, so I was sorted.

The girls started playing and the boat left the moorings and down the river. First down to the bar was Mr West as normal, at some events he has been known to help the bar staff get ready so they can open the bar quicker. He will totally ignore you until he has had a couple of bottles of wine and then its like verbal diahorrea. Personally I don't want to know what he and Mrs West  get up to at 5.15 on a Saturday morning.

Fiji the Birthday girl comes running in.

"Dizzy, just the person, I want you too meet my cousin and you can do that Gaydar thing on him." Grabbing my wrist she starts pulling towards the door.

"Where is this cousin, this will be easy, I don't need to speak to the guy to know."

"He is up on the upper deck." My heart sunk releasing I had to be in the same area as the Van Da Members.

I could tell from his back that Fiji's cousin was camper than Christmas, turning his smile and white teeth blinded me for a second. Before Fiji could do the formal introductions Cedric Van Da Pecker slide between myself and Fiji's cousin.

"My dear Dizzy, your dress sense can be so common sometimes for more formal occasions." He looks me up and down then licks the side of his mouth.

"To start with Mr Van Da Dick, only Friends call me Dizzy and second I don't give a fuck what people think. This waist is a size 28, now looking at you I'm guessing you are struggling between a 38 - 40 waist,  you probably keep telling everyone that your waist is 30 but you have such big thighs."

"Oh someone is very defensive tonight, only joking darling but on a serious note I hear your mother is on the prowl for a new young husband. You must hate seeing her slutting it around Europe."

I thought my head was about to explode, all I could hear was the inner Disnarc saying "Keep calm honey, the evil Belgium will loose interest very soon."

"My Mother is one of the most respected women in Europe (only because she is the biggest land owner in some countries.) Plus why would I care, it will be just be another estate for my inheritance."

Cedric starts to peer around me, I had totally forgotten the old crow was even on board. Cedric started laughing louder and louder until all eyes where on him. Now he was on stage and had an audience.

"So it is true, you could not get a young guy to be your house boy, so you had to settle for a flea ridden old hag from a third rate Country."

My fist landed on the side of his face, and a moment later he was on the floor. This was not all that happened when I punched Van De Prick. When I pulled my arm back, my elbow smacked right into Rosario's face sending her back into Mr and Mrs West. Trying to steady herself she pushes the Wests clean into the Water. People did not know where to look, over the side at the Wests or Van De Sausage on the floor. I ignore everything else and look down at the wounded Hippo.

"You can slag off my clothes, you can slag off my Mother but you DO NOT disrespect an OLD PERSON." Looking up I catch Fiji's eye,

"Darling close your mouth, I am in need of a Crystal glass for your Birthday toast and a gun as I have just seen two Hippo's who would look lovely stuffed and mounted on my husbands study."

Turning around I look down at the housekeeper.

"Rosario, look at the state of your face, covered in blood. You are a fucking disgrace, now tidy yourself up."

                                                                 ******

Until next time, keep safe and remember, during winter make an old person walk in front so if they slip on ice you will land safely.

Up the Gay Revolution x