The women of the town's fund raising committee or in our household "Witches Incorporated" are a bunch of old vipers who are bored out of their tiny middle-class minds. You are going be wondering why on earth would I allow these Witches access to my Morning room and Orangery. Two reasons, first now we have acquired Rosario, and being the kind and caring Mistress that you know I am, and only wanting her to meet new people around her own age. Looking at the members in this witches coven the average age must be over 100.(Plus it will be good to get someone inside, right in the heart of the lair.)
The second reason is just pure snob factor, Question dear reader... If you have a new parquet flooring and a Mexican Witch who can cook anything and everything to perfection and an opportunity arose to show off both, would you take it ?
( I know just what you are thinking those boney hands all over my food. Please don't worry yourselves I make her wear gloves at all time plus I have only eaten or drunk creme egg's and Sloe Gin for the last 20 years, so I'm Safe.)
Well, bugger me with a feather duster, this Queen is going to grab this opportunity by the balls.
The opportunity popped it's little head out from its foreskin one afternoon in the local coffee shop. Waiting on my girlfriends, I could hear this group of women (I say loosely) at the other end of the coffee shop talking ( Blessed with 3 large organs on my body. The nose, the ears and well you can guess the last...) Poor Mavis Gone-Droppy, the bathroom flooded her brand new Kitchen and who was going to tell the chairwoman Mrs D. West the coffee fund raiser booked for tomorrow will need to be cancelled. With 50 VIP guests attending they haven't got anywhere big enough to cater at such short notice.(Oh dear, how sad, never mind)
All I heard was FLOOD, MRS WEST, TOMORROW, VIP GUESTS and I was over quicker than a Bishop running over to view the new intake of choir boys.
"Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, your fairy Godmother/ Poof has arrived to save the day. Our home is your home, just phone Rosemary sorry Mrs D. West and tell her it's all been taken care of and not to worry about catering my housekeeper will be up to her nipples in flour with the next half hour."
With smiles on their faces and for the first time mischief in their eyes I grabbed my phone and minced quickly out of the coffee shop. Texting my coven the message read.
CODE RED. MRS WEST. MY HOUSE. NOW.
Within 15 minutes my girlfriends and I had devoured the first of bottle of Sloe Gin, I had sent Rosario off to the cellar to bring up a crate as it was going to be a long night. We had to prepare to host the best fund raiser Mrs D. West and her lair will have ever seen.
How can I describe Mrs D. West, let me give it a bloody good try. Her name is Mrs De-de West, in her late 60's, short and round like a barrel. De-de really just looks like an ugly mongrel with a "Posh" Cornish accent. Married 5 times, each victim, sorry I mean husband suffered. One turned Gay, one ran off to be a monk. (who then meet another monk, they feel in love and now rear Lama's somewhere near Tiverton)
Two drunk themselves to death and the last poor drunken sod,we all know she married him for the money and pension. I cannot understand a woman that has had 5 husbands, but who is the biggest prude since Dear old Mary Whitehouse. This woman has seen more cock than most of Cornwall, but like a old goat she keeps marching on toward her goal. Letters after her name given by the Queen. (I can give her letters after her name RIP)
Charity is her big cause but does she do any of the donkey work, does she buggery. But who gets all the glory.............. Mrs D. West. As you can tell I have had a few scraps with the lovely De-de (Who hates me calling her that, better than Rosemary as everyone else calls her).
You can see in her ugly face that she objects to every inch of me, what I look like, how I talk, who I sleep with, every breath I take that gargoyle thinks I'm just a dirty little pervert.
So a list had to be made to prepare us for this 'quaint coffee fundraiser'. No strike that, I'm not serving coffee it will be Champagne and Mexican canopies.
The List
Get those wonderful boys around with that humungous sucking machine, and those fabulous pink feather dusters(note to self... Tell them to wear shirts as I have a house full of dizzy old Queens with wandering hands, plus the heating will not be on full blast as normal).
Ring Crispin the florist. (The whole house needs flowers even in the Blue and White guest suite)
Order 50 bottles of Champagne and 10 Sloe Gins. (I always keep this telephone number on speed dial, if you are in a crisis why phone your nearest and dearest when Marco the local wine merchant will deliver anywhere for his 'special' customers)
Need waiters about 6 to 7, very handsome with biceps bulging out of their tight white shirts, (sorry I began to dribble) now who do we know............................. ?
Bruce and all his mates at the Carwash.
Need to run out and buy a divine camp number, Philippe has the most fabby pink suit in my size, Gorgeous. New shoes, shirt, expensive perfume and underwear. (Only designer fabric is allowed to touch those private areas).
Raising money for charity is really fun, I would feel a big red glow right now in my heart if I had one.
So Mrs West I'm cumming for you and I'm going to ejaculate gayness all over you and your ugly coven, plus for a bonus I will show you how much of a superior person I am. You will see me extract more money than you could only dream of from your 50 VIP's. (I have been married for 23 years so this will be a walk in the pansies).
Now only one problem stood in my way......I am really hurt you naughty readers thought I was going to say Rosario, who for once was not the problem. Rosario has been crushing grapes with her feet all afternoon. Muttering something about a punch that would curl even Mrs D. Wests pubs.
The problem is I have never been awake before midday, how the hell am I going to manage to pull this one off. I will just have to pray to the great one in sky.
Dear Great, big, beautiful, Lesbian God most High,
Please for once, help little old camp Disnarc
Pull off
The Campest event of the year.
During the afternoon a sign from you
Would be most wonderful.
Much love
Disnarc x
P.S Plus while I am here, this Christmas can we dump Mary and have Joseph, John, Jesus. Just a thought go with the times ?
To be continued.......
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