Something is Rotting up my Chimney. Part 2

    My Dear Mother could always make an entrance, always extremely over the top, never slipping in by the back. Oh sorry just realised what I wrote, Could you imagine the shock on her Botox face if Franco shouted out.

"Sorry Cybil it slipped and went in the wrong hole "

Now that would be a candid camera moment.

I can hear you muttering "Where is that flea ridden old hag, who has totally ruined your life with that constant smell of rotting flesh?" Well, I have a little story to tell before we get back to my Mother and her walking, talking, living sex adonis, husband. Need to stop thinking about him in that way, he's my step father, but before we move on have I told you about his perfect bubble butt, just peachy, ready for picking. Back to the shuffling, voodoo loving, housekeeper.

Once I had heard my Mother had landed in this Country, the house has had a deep clean thanks to the boys from 'Butch boys can Dust' cleaners. Bruce and his boys sealed off the guest wing so there would not be any prying eyes.   
 During the summer months there is nothing better than grabbing a bottle or two of Sloe Gin and arranging flowers to go into the fireplaces.  As I was rearranging a display in one of our fireplace's, some soot and then twigs started falling from inside the chimney.

 I sent Rosario to look up and see if she could see anything. Once she was under and then looked up a big splat of bird shit landed right in her face.

After taking a few photo's and tweeting them all over the world I ordered her to go up the chimney and get rid of the birds. 

That lazy bitch has been up there now for two days and my patience is starting to wear thin. That selfish, lazy old hag has left me to greet my Mother and Franco alone.

Mother had that certain 'Italian look' about her when she emerged from the small sports car.

"Darling, you are looking younger and younger each visit." Stopping to air kiss me on both cheeks.

"Mother, see your doing a Sophia Loren."

"Well Darling when in Rome," and slinked passed me right into the house.

"I will take refreshments in you're Morning Room" in other words get a chilled bottle of champagne in the Morning room as soon as possible. If there wasn't one already chilled all hell would let loose. Lucky that I keep six cases in the cellar, chilled just waiting to get popped.

Before I went to the kitchen to fetch the champagne, I quickly jumped into the dinning room and straight for the fireplace. Squatting down I shout quietly, directing my screams up the chimney.

"Jokes over, get that brittled boned corp's of yours down Now, and if you have died up there I'm going to Kill you."

Mincing into the Morning room with a chilled bottle and three glasses, my Mother is pacing. Well, it's a Cougar doing what a Cougar does and that is pace. Franco was leaning against the fireplace already oozing sex all over my Persian rug.

"Don't stand to close to the fireplace Daddy dearest"

Squatting down and directing my voice up the chimney

"You never know what rotting vermin might just fall from up there"

Standing back up and looking the sex God in the eyes

" Having so much trouble with birds, big fuckers"

Then squatting again by the chimney but this time shouting up it.

"I'm thinking of getting a shot gun and just firing it up there" Fagged out with all this squatting, I start to feel a bit Queer.

"Dizzy come and sit next to your Mother" and she patted the seat for me to sit next to her.
"I hear you have Staff" she said softly

"Yes, well no, well sort of" looking down at the floor praying to that big Lesbian God in the sky that a soot covered Mexican doesn't fall in on us right now.

"Dizzy, you know that with a strange woman on the premises one cannot stay, not with all my diamonds" Right at the moment she said strange woman I am sure some soot came floating down.
"Dizzy, listen to me, I am going to be staying with an old friend from school, we are here only for one night. You don't mind if your father stays here, he does get so bored listening to girls chatting all night."
She stood up and I could not even mention that the guest suite was out of bound or anything.
"Darling come kiss your Mother"
And then she was gone leaving me and my step father in the Drawing room........  ALONE.
Did I mention my Mother has just dumped her husband on me and right at this minute he is standing on my Persian rug drinking champagne smiling and undressing me with his eyes.

"Franco, you know where the cellar is go grab anything you want I just have to make a few phones upstairs and then we can catch up."
Well, I was out of that room and up the stair quicker than Rosario got up those chimneys. I stood at the top of the stairs and tried to think.
Which bedrooms have fireplace?
How the fuck would I know, I bloody well don't sleep in them.
"Oh Fuck, it's going to be lucky dip time" screamed and went into the first bedroom, which was lovely, very floral but no fireplace. By the fifth attempt and still no fireplace, I was loosing the will to live. All marvellous rooms, hated the pink Bedroom. Must have had a few bottles the day that beauty was hatched.
Think Disnarc where is there a bloody fireplace.....Oh yes.... The Master Suite,  I am a silly old Queen. Locking the door first then going into my designer boxer drawer and right at the back was a spare bottle of Sipsmith.
Sitting in the hearth I open the bottle and take a swig. Looking up the chimney I start speaking.



"Rosario............Rosario, please come back I need you. There is a piece of prime Italian beef right now on my persian rug".

Then taking a couple more slugs I shout again.

"Rosario get down here now, I can't hold off much longer, he has super sex powers. You need to put the chastity belt on me quick."
Couple more slugs and the bottle is empty, bugger all the other bottles are in the cellar and that's where the love machine was roaming.

'Rosario, what is your Master going to say if his Darling better half has been deflowered by a sex starved Romeo. He will not be very happy with you. I'm telling you if you don't get down now I could be taken roughly on my parquet flooring."
Still nothing came from above, I was on my own. Slightly, no sorry quite a bit pissed I headed down stairs chanting horrible disgusting things to stop me from thinking and being seduced and manhandled by the Count.

"Lesbian Fannies, Lesbian Fannies, Lesbian Fannies" chanting as I walked into the Morning Room.


"FUCKING  LESBIAN  FANNIES" I cried.
Standing with not a stitch on was the Italian Stallion and
Holy Mary mother of Jesus...............
He was a Stallion, a big Stallion and it was standing to attention.
You could easily hang a large Italian flag from it, but what made me feel really queer was that his naked body and flag pole were on my PERSIAN RUG (Hope he doesn't drip anything on it)


To be continued............