I could hear the laughter creeping up to my Bedroom suite and pure noisiness dragged my exhausted sober body down to see what the witchy cackling was all about. It didn't take long for the voices to become clear, one was the Mexican, blood sucking, housekeeper Mrs Rosario Winkle. The name still baffles me, I really don't know why the old hag didn't change her name to Mrs Satan and have done with it. The other voice came from the Postwoman Fanny Clegg, her real first name was Virginia but from any early age she was no virgin, and boys always said she had the best Vagina in the County and some even said it had teeth. One bloke penned a song to her called 'Fanny, I love that Fanny'. That was years ago but our dearly loved Postwoman is the biggest gossip in the South West. I have passed that woman on a corner of a street talking to another gossip and two hours later she is still standing talking. If you want a little story spreading then go to Fanny. Entering the kitchen the room goes deadly quiet.
"I thought I could hear your deep voice cackling down here Fanny." Walking around to kiss her on both cheeks then grabbing a bottle, glass and perching myself on a stool.
"OK witches of Bodmin moor, what is all the laughter about and Rosario you vile little toad what are you hiding behind your back?"
"Fanny brought my New Passport over special."
"Thank you Fanny, now the crow has a British Passport none of us are safe."
"You are both very welcome, but Dizzy I wish you would move as it's nearly a twenty minute walk up your drive." Fanny said and she looked like she was itching to tell us something else.
"Blame the Husband for that, you know these International Bankers they just love going up and down long things. You look hot honey, come take a seat and Rosario will pour you a wonderful soft drink to quench your thirst." Rosario just looks at me blankly, which for that dragon is regular.
"Just get a glass witch, put some ice cubes in, then get the syrup from over there and pour over the ice." Pointing to a dark bottle with no label, Rosario's face changed and then I knew the witch was on the same page now.
"Then just pour sparkling water over the top and you have a refreshing tongue loosening drink."
Sometimes people actually miss what I'm saying, many a time I have gone into someones house and said
"What a lovely Dildo rail you have."
The trick is when they say 'Pardon' or if you are in a less than desirable residence 'What', jump straight back with
"I said dear what a lovely dado rail you have."
"GULP, GULP, GULP, slurp, slurp, Wow Dizzy, you are right can I have another glass?"
"Sure honey, Rosario put a little bit more syrup in this time. Now Fanny my love what's the gossip that you know will get me moist."
"Well, don't tell a soul................ But.................... Mrs West"
"What about that bible bashing, homophobic, bigoted cow." You can tell I have a great passion for this gargoyle from Hell.
"Gulp, Gulp Well, she has been getting letters from companies, Gulp, Gulp."
"Witch, another drink for Fanny, now Fanny dear go on." By now you could see the drink was taking effect. Its Sloe's soaked in Gin, homemade by a friend who makes it for me. How the buggery he gets it like that is a mystery but its powerful stuff, the amazing thing is its taste, when its made that way it tastes just like cordial. You are meant to sip it on a hot sunny afternoon not gulp it down, glass after glass. Fanny had finished her fourth glass by now.
"Mrs Wests letters are for Final Demands, by the looks of them we are talking thousands."
"How fab Mrs West in court and thrown out of her house."
"The one I feel sorry for is Crispin, but then we are now living in tougher times."
"Back up Fanny gone loose, what about Crispin, Rosario another glass for Fanny, quick and pour half the glass full of the syrup and forget the ice."
"Please Dizzy............... Don't breathe a word as I love that boy as if he had come out of me." OK anything is possible with the history that Vagina has seen.
"Everyday when I deliver his mail, he always greets me with his lovely cute smile and hands me just one flower but always so perfect. For the last couple of weeks, no smile or flower he is really looking down."
"I haven't seen Crispin since the famous Coffee Morning, he always delivers and arranges the flowers the night the Husband takes me out for our date night. Really the Husband is an old fashioned soul, a good wine and dine then sixty nine, but this is dreadful, what is going on?"
"Oneeeeeee otffffher strange thinnnng" By now Fanny was slurring her words and it was starting to become hard to understand.
"Mrs Westie poooooos has sent Crispin foooour letters as I knooooow it's her I knooow her hand writinggggg. She never goes intoooo Crispin's because he'ssssss in her eyes a vile perv.................." Fanny passes out and falls off the chair.
"Rosario, take Fanny back to her house, place her in the chair by her fire, then I will see you upstairs in the Attic as I think Rosario Private Dick needs to go to work."
"OK strange boy." Rosario picks Fanny's feet up and starts dragging her to the hallway."
"Not through the house and on my parquet flooring, we do have standards. Go through the kitchen door and around the side, you stupid old woman."
One great advantage of having a pink VW is that I can track it easily through the telescope, so I watched Rosario park up at Fanny's rear entrance and drag her luckily by the arms into the house. For the plan whizzing around in my brain to work I need the help of a handsome devil who can charm birds from the trees. I press 5 on my mobile and the phone dials the number.
"Bruce's car wash, how can I help?" Poor Bruce he still sounded sad over the break up of him and Marco.
"Brucie Baby, Dizzy here to pull you out of all this mopping after that kinky, short Italian."
"Dizzy I am not in the mood" Replied Bruce.
"We think Mrs West is blackmailing someone and"
"I will be right over" and he hung up the phone.
Watching him through the telescope he moved so fast out of the car wash and over to the Mansion that he was standing next to me before that Mexican had gotten back into my car.Time the old dragon had climbed the stairs to the attic I was pacing the floor thinking the plan through.
"At fucking last you lazy mongrel, now I can tell you my plan. Bruce at 2.30 tomorrow I want you to go into Crispin's florist and chat him up."
"But I don't know him and he may not be my type?" Walking over to him I gently touch the side of his face with my hand."
"Gorgeous boy, he has a cock , you will fancy him, trust Auntie Dizzy" A big smile erupts over Bruce's face.
"While Bruce is in the shop, Rosario will slip up the side street, right up to Crispin's back entrance and see if she can find anything that may help us figure out what's going on."
"So, drunken strange boy what are you doing?"
"Very good question lizard breath, I will be in the coffee shop opposite directing you over the walkie talkie."
"But the coffee shop is busy at that time of day, you will be seen talking into the radio." Bruce said.
"I know the owners very well and have already phoned, asked how much it would cost to hire out the top floor for an afternoon. £250 later, problem solved and the another little thing I asked them for was a glass, they know Disnarc always bring his own liquid."
The stage was set, I was sitting in the coffee shop waiting for Bruce to go into the florist and the poison ninja was waiting around the corner for my word. This excitement is too much for me, I cannot make up my mind if I am moist or dripping, bugger it, I'm both. As I reached down to pick up the walkie talkie Bruce walks around the corner. My eyes nearly popped out of my head seeing Bruce in his outfit. The model on the right may not be Bruce but you get the picture. Leather jacket that had a hoodie inside, both open showing his wonderful body. When he walked you got glimpses of his nipples which brushed against the hoodie. His jeans were fitting so tight that every bulge could be seen and a V line that screamed 'follow me to heaven'. When I said go in and flirt with the guy I did not imagine he would cause such a stir walking down the street and into the florist. Just looking at the faces as he past them, most would have been moist because I was just watching him.
"Medusa, you Slag are you still breathing" I said down the walkie talkie.
"Watch your mouth you drunken slut."
"Bruce has entered Crispin, so up the back entrance and into the back of the shop, find anything that will link Crispin to Hippo."
Meanwhile in the shop, Bruce was chatting and laughing with Crispin, there is flirting going on as Crispin is waving his arms about like he is going to take off. The arm and hand movements just appear one day, you never ask for it but all great Queens receive this gift. Next time watch, we talk with our hands as well as using our mouths. Being flattered and getting excited will trigger the arm movements so I knew everything was on the right track.
"Godzilla's Grandmother what the fuck is going on?"
"Hush up, I'm trying to look but nothing. There is another door but it's locked."
"Well, find the bloody key you rancid creature."
"That's what I was trying to do before you.......Found it."
"And?????"
From the corner of my eye I could see marching down the street, the Hippo Mrs West. She was dressed in the normal cardigan and skirt with pearls around that hippo's fat neck. When Mrs West marched passed people they just withered and died, the blood drained from their faces.
"Maggot, come in Maggot, Hippo marching into shop, Crispin has gone white as a sheet. Bruce is just looking now at the flowers."
"Strange boy"
"Shut up Satan, funny business going on in the shop, Crispin has handed Mrs West a white envelope. Hippo on the move out of the shop with a big smile on her face. Fuck, she is even uglier when she smiles."
"You Drunken poof, I have found out what Crispin's little secret is."
"Well, what is it?"
"Shut up he's coming I need to get out so I will bring one back"
"Bring what back..................Rosario answer me..............."
I left my seat and moved quickly out of the coffee shop and grabbed hold of Bruce who was in some sort of day dream. As we started walking Rosario darted out of the side street clutching a large plant.
That old hag shuffled faster than most people can run, if there was an Olympic shuffling event that woman would win gold hands down. Walking at a normal pass Bruce starts to come around from his day dream."
"Why have you never introduced Crispin to me before Dizzy?"
"Why honey, Crispin is a creature of the night, he creates at night. His juices flow more freely, now look at you, tanned God who worships the sun, he lives for the night and you live for the day. Plus you were all loved up with the Italian, fetish, freak."
"OK point taken but I asked Crispin out on a date tonight, thought he might open up for me."
"Bruce, anyone would open right up for you, but Rosario knows why Mrs West is blackmailing Crispin"
"I'm still going I really like him"
"Good, I feel like Barbra Streisand in Hello Dolly, glad to fixed you up."
Placed on the breakfast counter in the kitchen was this plant that stunk of cheese. Rosario was baking cookies pretending the past hour had never happened.
"Could you please explain toad" I look at Rosario and then at Bruce who is just staring at the plant with his mouth wide open.
"This plant is a wonderful herb, makes everything taste perfect." Rosario said while placing more cookies into the oven.
Bruce went to speak and Rosario kicks him in the shin.
"I saw that witch, what are you hiding?"
"Nothing its my leg it does that without me asking it to." Her foot then kicks Bruce in the shin again.
"Have a cookie and everything will become clear." Rosario pushes a plate in front of me.
Taking a bite, the taste was just the same as any normal chocolate cookie but with green bits through it.
"Not bad warthog, you're baking is getting better." Looking down I see that I have eaten the first cookie, one more won't hurt and reach for another one.
"I'm not going to be the only one eating, both of you must join me and have some." Their hands darted out and grabbed a couple of cookies and devoured them within seconds.
"I never noticed before Rosario that in a certain light you could pass as living, and wow look how the light is shining in from the garden. Bruce baby, lovely boy, precious child I hope Crispin is the love of your life like the husband is to me. I do love you both, I don't show it but I do, that is after the husband, the Son and my Sloe Gin..............."
Awaking two hours later, my face was resting on the breakfast bar. As I open my eyes a pair of false teeth are the first site I see, sitting up straight I saw Bruce past out on the kitchen floor and Rosario was past out on the hob.
"Could one of you explain to me what happened?" At my screaming Bruce and Rosario both sat up.
"You have just had some wonderfully strong, beautiful, Weed" Bruce said with a big grin.
"Slap me on my ass and call me Mary, always said that boy had green fingers. Mrs West must have found out and is blackmailing him for a cut."
"How many plants Rosario are we talking about 5 or 6 ?" Bruce asked looking over to Rosario who was still trying to get off the hob.
"40 or 50 same size as that one."
"Bloody hell a right cottage industry he has going on now we need to sort this mess all out. Bruce you take Crispin out for dinner and I know it's against everything you believe in but you need to take him back to your place and he needs to stay there until tomorrow morning."
"I think I can keep that sexy florist entertained for days."Bruce grinned.
"Two more favours Bruce, Rosario will need to borrow your van so she can transport the plants out from the back shop, then away somewhere, like the woods. I have had to much excitement for one day so I will watch Rosario through the telescope. Bruce, Just park in the side street when you go and collect Crispin for your date. Leave the keys in the van and I promise on Rosario's life it will be parked in the same place for you to pick up tomorrow morning. Plus I want you to tell Crispin what I have done, but do not tell him until the morning. He may get angry but tell him I will explain everything. Say something like Dizzy had a tip off the police where sniffing around. I really hope you both got that because I really do think I'm still stoned."
Bruce parked his van around in the side street and walked into the florist. The Ninja deathwatch beetle had jumped into the van and was waiting until I gave the all clear. Sitting on a stool with my eye to the telescope and next to me on a side table was a glass, a bottle of Sloe and a plate of those wonderful cookies. Bruce and Crispin left the Florists and walked down the street, the coast was clear for the burglar to remove the offending Items.
"Ready my Mexican Ninja, load up that van with the plants." I could not see up the side street so all I could do was wait and munch.
Time moved on and I had run down stairs to fill up on the cookies and another bottle and still no word from the walking dead. I panned around to see if I could notice anything else going on, then I caught site of Bruce and Crispin sitting in the window of Johnny's wine Bar. Looking into each others eyes and holding hands over the table, they looked like a couple falling in love.
"Drunk, stoned, strange boy you still awake?"Said the voice from the walkie talkie.
"What is it, I'm busy watching a love story."
"All loaded, the place is clean and I am going to get rid of the evidence in the woods."
"Good plan Toto, but just keep a couple back so we can plant them in the Orangery." Well, it's a pretty plant and no one will notice a couple of plants dotted about.
The Van came into sight and turned to go down the street, I start screaming down the walkie talkie.
"You stupid witch you are going down the wrong way."
No answer from the Mexican so I watched the van until it went out of sight. What is that gargoyle up too, never trust a housekeeper when they go quiet. That means they are up to no good and my housekeeper enjoys getting into trouble. Starting to get bored I grab the plate and bottle then sat against the wall. My mind starts racing with questions like How did the hippo find out about the weed, and why would Crispin allow her to do that.
A bony hand shakes me awake an hour later.
"Wake up Drunk I'm back and I really don't think you want to miss the action which is about to take place" Rosario said peering over me.
"What have you done Mrs Winkle?"
"Watch strange boy, Watch."
When I got to the telescope the town was dark with nothing happening, then from one corner of the town four fast cars with sirens and lights moved quickly into the town.
"Oh slap me with a Woman's Weekly, what have you done Rosario?"
"WATCH" Screamed Rosario.
I followed the police cars and they sped through the streets right into Mrs Wests Road and straight to her front door. All lights went on in the house, two more police cars turned up and a big police van with two sniffer dogs.
"Tell me now Rosario."
"I placed about 12 plants in and around Mrs West's greenhouse and then gave an anonymous tip off to the police."
Before I could answer her more action caught my eye, first officers where bringing out the plants one by one then Mrs West was escorted in handcuffs down her path and into a waiting car.
"You clever little vixen, you have turned the tables, I think a bit of wee has just come out. What did you do with the rest?"
"Couple for us I have a lovely spot behind the summerhouse and the rest are safely behind Bruce's car wash." She stood in front of me with the biggest grin, pleased as punch that round 2 defiantly went to Rosario.
I phoned Bruce to let him know of developments and that we hoped the two of them have a good night.
Just before putting down the phone I noticed the video flashing saying I had one unseen video. Cannot remember taking a video so I switch it on.
The picture was shaky to start with, but then you saw Rosario standing in the kitchen. Two voices came from behind the phone, one mine the other Bruce.
"OK you wonderful lovely woman , show us something we don't already know about you" I said.
"All right, ready...."
Rosario brought her hand to her mouth then removed her teeth and placed them on the table.
"For Fuck sake Rosario that's gross" I scream
"Gay men dream of someone with no teeth, we should call you Sucker Winkle." Bruce then just burst into laughter and the video cut out.
Until next time keep safe and remember if an old relative is annoying you, bake some special cookies and then watch the fun.
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Up the Gay Revolution x
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