I am still having nightmares about the Count, Rosario and all that soot on my Persian rug, so you can imagine my horror walking into the kitchen to find Rosario standing in the Onesie that is now black from her dying it and her face blacked out by soot the only thing you could see was her oversized teeth gleaming out.
"Take this walkie talkie and let me know when its safe to get out of his van." Rosario puts the walkie talking into my hand.
"You strange boy its time for you to be in the cellar, and keep him chatting."
"OK Captain received and understood." Any other time that bitch would not get away with speaking to me like that, but I could see fire in her eyes. Poor sod, just trying to stay alive must be a battle, so lets give her some fun.
Rosario left and went outside to wait for Marco's delivery van to arrive. I start on my journey to the wine cellar, this was one room in the house I could find sleepwalking, many a happy morning I have woken up with empty bottles all over the floor. We had all sorts down there, the husband is a big collector of wines, that is if he can keep them long enough before they are consumed.
Down in the wine cellar I spy a cheeky little bottle of Sloe Gin. Now who can blame me, boredom comes very quickly into my head so why not pass the time with a couple of sips.
"Strange boy, you there"
Oh my God, I am sober and I am starting to hear voices.
"Strange boy you there"
Oh my God, this cellar is haunted, now I can tell the husband that it wasn't all my fault that his case of limited edition wine disappeared.
"Shirt lifter, you stupid drunk I'm on the walkie talkie"
Looking at the radio I press the button and start to speak.
"For a start you vermin I am sober, second I have never in my life been a shirt lifter. When I have got to them, their shirts had already been taken off."
"Van coming up the drive now get ready"Rosario said over the radio.
"OK, fuck I think a bit of wee has just come out."
This was really was getting very exciting, hope Marco doesn't think I'm going to pounce on him. There has been enough of that going on in this house to last a life time.
Marco opened the door of the cellar and I screamed.
"Dizzy, don't do that when I have your Sloe Gins in my hands." He goes and drops the crate in the usual place.
"You have been busy lately, we only get to see your Bruce and not that beautiful smile of yours" What the hell am I talking about, I'm not good at these sorts of things.
"Have you slept oh sorry meant to say meet anyone lately"
"Dizzy I would love to chat but I'm a late for a meeting."
"At 10.15 at night, strange time for a meeting."
"Well, the world is 24/7 these days Dizzy" and he was gone, I quickly grabbed the walkie talkie.
"Poison corps, hope you can here this, SKUNK is on the move. SKUNK is on the move" Do you like that, had to think up a name and if he is doing the dirty on Bruce.........Well skunk will suit him.
Before leaving the cellar I pick up two more bottles, it may turns out to be a long boring night. The attic had a very strange feeling like, sorry can't put my finger on it. Got it......Voodoo bloody magic has been going on up here, wait till I get me hands around that turkey neck.
I put my eye to the telescope and watch the van move along the driveway out of the gate and down the road. That rodent better be in that van, oh bugger now where has it gone.
After about 5 frantic minutes trying to locate the van, spotted it turning into a long drive, It is so dark I just could not place who's house it was. Marco got out of the van and went to the door. The whole house was pitch black like no one lived there. The door opened and Marco stepped in.
"Dragons breathe....... are you still alive"
"Maggot feed....... Come in." If that bitch is standing behind me I will kill her and feed her to Mrs West and her chums and not the fish eye special.
"Where are we, who's house" Rosario answered.
"Fuck knows too dark, hold on a minute a light has gone on in the bedroom upstairs, cant see properly, Rosario get out the van and shimmy up the drain pipe and use my phone to take a video."
I looked through the telescope as the van doors opens and just these white teeth appear. The teeth proceeded to go to the edge of the house to the drainpipe and started to climb.
"I can't get any further" a whisper came over the radio.
"Just a little bit more then put the video record on the phone and reach your hand up to film"
Watching I could just make out my pink covered phone, it looked like it was floating in air. Rosario moved a little higher filming all the time.
"Oh, Oh, OOOOHHH" came from the radio as I watched the drainpipe leave the wall and in slow motion teeth and a pink Phone fall to the floor.
"Rosario run like the deportation team is after you because the hall lights have just gone on RUN you stupid bitch RUN."
The best bit was the teeth running through the town, ducking and diving up and down the roads, until they reach the gates of our house in record time.
As Rosario wheezed through the back door I snatched the phone out of her talons and started to watch the footage.
 |
| Was this in the footage? |
"NO."
"Never."
"I didn't realise that."
"Oh please don't do that."
"Dirty, dirty, PIGS."
Bet you want to know who I am talking about ?????
To be continued...........
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