"For fuck sake you half dead vermin." These were the words that came out of my mouth when awoken by a glass of cold water thrown over my face.
"Wake up you strange drunk boy, I have to go to London for two days, the deportation letter arrived and I need to get married. I will be back tomorrow evening."
"Drunk....London....Deport...ZZZZZZZZZ" I passed out for the next four hours.
********************
I awoke at my normal hour, but today something was different. The pillows where damp and my hair as well. I start trying to remember last night. Oh no, I always thought the husband had a kink about water-sports and he's got his wicked way, that's why the pillow, bottom sheets, duvet, my hair and my face are all damp. After showering and scrubbing every inch of myself with bleach, I dress then head down stairs.
"Rosario you vile toad, that Sloe Gin better be ready when I get into the kitchen?" screaming down the hall. Entering the kitchen the place was eerily quiet and that was not the only room quiet in the Mansion. I looked high and low, searching and calling for that dead corps, but nothing.
Where had that witch gone to?
The Westminster chimes sounded and I scream,
"Rosario shuffle out and answer the bloody door."
The Westminster chimes ring out once more.
"If I have to get the door I promise you I will pull every claw from your body with tweezers."
The Westminster chimes ring out for the third time.
"Ok I will go but when I get hold of you, that face of yours will be buffing this bloody parquet flooring till it shines." I open the door to find Queenie trying to stand straight on the front door step. Well, I say standing straight, that girl could not stand straight even if you shoved a cucumber up his ass.
Queenie or if you prefer his Sunday name, Peter George Suckhard who was mad as a brush. Standing at the door in his pyjamas and dressing gown with turkish slippers that curled up at the front. His hair is always everywhere, like a mad scientist. Queenie is Gay but will never admit to it. Like Catherine Tate's character who always rants "How very dare you" when people think he's Gay. The main feature on Queenie's face was his large elf like ears, which was coupled by Queenie having a bit of a kinky fetish about Santa. Sloe Gin is an amazing loosener of tongues and poor Queenie only needed two sniffs and she was chatting away, secrets pouring out.
"Afternoon Dizzy, Rosario sent a text just saying she was going to London and could I look after you until she returns." Everything started to come flooding back, The Water, Drunk, London, Deportation letter and,
"OH FOR FUCK SAKE" I scream and drag Queenie inside the house and close the door.
"That old hag has run off to get married to God knows who. What the hell am I going to do, I will never find that extra bottle without her."
"Don't worry Dizzy I'm here."
"Why am I being punished like this, but then we might have a solution to one problem. Queenie you can go into the summer house and see if you can find the deportation letter. I can sort that little inconvenience out with one phone call." Queenie just stood in front of me with his big ears twitching as you could see his brain working out what I had just said.
"Get your ass down to that Summerhouse or I will tweet that photo of you and Santa from last years Christmas Party." Queenie turned on his turkish slippers and headed out to the summerhouse.
One hour later Queenie returned white as a sheet, like he had caught Santa shagging another elf over the photo copier.
"Did you know Rosario has photo's of every important person in the area, plus a wooden doll next to the photo?" I start to answer him but he stops me.
"Some of these wooden dolls have pins sticking in them, and one..............."
"Let me guess Mrs West." You would have to be stupid not to guess that one.
"The whole doll is covered in pins and its hanging above a flame that just can't reach the doll to burn but the pins are hot."
"That's lovely dear but the letter if you don't mind." Queenie hands the letter over and I read through it and reach for my phone.
"Hello is that the Home Office, Bobby Freeman's office please............. Bobby darling it's Dizzy, how is Bridget and the girls?"
"They are great thank you Dizzy, how can I help you today?"
"I have a problem with my housekeeper, she's had a letter about being deported and I need you to sort it out?"
"I'm sorry Dizzy but I cannot do that."
"Let me state again, I want you to sort out a little problem.
You have always been very eager to please. I remember at school and the two of us, me bent over the pommel horse while your where riding me hard."
"Dizzy I will sort it out straight away, fax over her details and the papers will be ready tomorrow."
"Thank you honey, I will pick them up tomorrow myself in London, love to Frigid, oh sorry Bridget xx"
I always say it's not what you know in this world it's who you know. That little problem was over and done, so on with the next. How was I going to get to London and where do I start looking for her. Needing to think I told Queenie to make a coffee while I got something from the Master suite. I headed for my private Bathroom for a quick bottle and a couple of cocktail cigarettes.
To be continued...........
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