As the doors opened and I exited the airport terminal, the heat just hit me. Why my mother had to drag me over to some Caribbean Island just for me to meet the new young man in her life I will never know. Not that I was upset, as Cornwall can get quite frustrating with emits everywhere this time of year. Mother is footing the whole bill so I just needed to sit back and travel in style, First Class of course.
Standing in a full chauffeurs uniform was a sexy guy with piercing blue eyes, he was holding a sign which read 'Master Disnarc.' I am forty five years old and my Mother still insists on treating me like a bloody child.
"Master Disnarc?" Said the chauffeur with a smile and manor that could melt chocolate.
"My friends call me Dizzy, but you Handsome can call my Diz." One day my smart mouth will get me into trouble, I really can't wait for that day.
"Do you have any bags Sir?"
"Drop the Sir unless you are into that kinky stuff, oh bugger forgot about my bag, but that's OK my bag is going to be picking up my luggage."
The arrival doors open and through the throng of people a luggage trolley moved along seemingly by its self. Eight large suitcases, three vanity cases and seven duty free bags were upon this trolley which was moving along at a very slow pass.
"Rosario you lazy cow, move that bony body quicker, I'm starting to glow." The trolley moved passed me then stopped, a hand shot out with a bottle of Sloe Gin.
"Drink quick strange boy" Rosario pressed the bottle into my hands.
"I'm fine you scanty witch, travelling First class has its benefits apart from the hunky Trolley Dollies there is free booze all the way. Did you get the packet of cashew nuts I sent down to second class for you?"
"Can I load the limousine now Master Disnarc?" The chauffeur looked at both of us in bewilderment.
"Load up Darling but don't load this creature she can sit with me in the back." Waving my finger in Rosario's face.
We both settled down for the ride to my Mother's private Villa, a modest place with six luxury bedrooms all with en-suite, drawing room, outside dinning or inside,library, games room (Because most of her husbands, who were not long out of nappies, liked playing with toys). I enjoy toys as well but mine mostly are made of rubber and need batteries. A pool which then leads down to her own private beach, eight staff to cater for every ones needs and a well stocked bar.
Rosario picked up her rucksack and started rummaging through it. She pulled out a plastic container and opened it.
"Cookie strange boy?"
"You're telling me you have been carrying those voodoo cookies in your ruck sack since we left home yesterday?"
"Don't worry strange boy I have twenty dozen packed in and around the suitcases" I grab two and start devouring them.
"I can't believe you let me come all this way and not offered me one" Spitting some of the cookies over Rosario
"Because you drunken poof, you nearly got us arrested in the lounge because you were that pissed that you tried to dry hump a security guard. I would have never have gotten you through departures stoned as well."
"Fair point coffin dodger, now hand me that container as in less than ten minutes my dear Mother will be lecturing me on something or other so being stoned would help, pass the driver a couple as well."
Ten minutes later the chauffeur, myself and Rosario are singing:-
"She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Our version is slightly more risqué,
"She'll be blowin' Johnny hard when she comes"
or
"She'll be fucking like a rabbit when she comes"
By the time we arrived at the front doors of the villa, the door of the limousine opened and all three of us were heard loud and clear screaming
"She'll be fingering Aunt Betsy when she cums."
"Dizzy, you are the only person who can embarrass his Mother even before you step out of the car." My Mother was standing holding a pink parasol to shade her face and skin from the sun. With the amount of work and Botox that's gone into her body, one ray of sunshine could melt the old girl.
"Nice to see you to Mother." Jumping out of the limousine and air kissing her.
"What is that doing here?"
"Where is my Son in Law?"
"Dizzy, I have most of my diamonds with me, and you bring a strange woman into my house."
Mother just kept looking at Rosario down her long nose, the look of disgust over her face, like Rosario had just flashed her left tit at her.
"Sorry, the Husband had urgent banking in some European Bank, but he is trying to fly over next weekend. Rosario is my pet old hag, where I go that rodent will follow, she is now my companion who has your dear Son in Law's approval."
"She can bunk up with the kitchen staff, she will fit right in. Dizzy just please behave, you know most of my other guests so act like an adult. Hans is so looking forward to meeting you." She slips her arm through mine and leads me into the villa.
"I will be good, promise, let me freshen up first, so I can look my best for Hans."
"Your normal bedroom suite is ready Darling, see you down by the pool for cocktails before dinner."
Walking down to the pool I could see the guests were already knocking cocktails back, chatting within small groups with a classical guitar player in the corner playing. Looking around I could see important people of the Island who always suck up to my dear Mother, and my fellow house guests who are staying with my Mother. The house guests list was made up of close family and friends.
First, was my Mother's oldest friend 'Dutch' or her real name Veronica, Mary, Joyce, The Duchess of Haveago. The nickname comes from when I was small and just started calling her 'Dutch". Standing at only 5'4" and round as a barrel, Dutch had no airs or graces. Her hair was always a mess and now grey and she was wearing her normal multicoloured caftan and holding two cocktail glasses. Dutch was my drinking partner and when we are together trouble comes fast and furious. Mother never tells me off because she knows Dutch had something to do with it.
Dutch was accompanied by her second husband Willy who had no title. Her first husband the Earl died in a freak safari accident, only six months into their marriage. With no children or heirs to claim the title the Haveago dynasty will die with Dutch. Willy was the most boring man I have ever meet, this man could bore for Britain. I can see why Dutch is always pissed if you have to listen to him all day. A tall elegant man who always wore a Panama hat and a jacket what ever the weather. This man finds it exciting talking about dishwashers and how amazed he is to have an en-suite.
Next was the Bishop and his wife, as most of you are avid readers you will know there is something queer going on there. Why my Mother invites them is unbelievable but she says always "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer" Well must make a note to invite Mrs West's to come and live with us. Mrs Bishop was standing looking out to the sea while the Bishop was talking to a very handsome middle aged man. The Bishop seemed very excited like he had found a ping pong set and we just know that the ping pong ball would never be used.
On the far side of the pool was Fiji Bennett, who is like a sister to me and has always been in our lives. Fiji was talking to my real sister Sadie. Sadie is nothing like my Mother or me. She is kind, caring, sweet, thoughtful, understanding and the list goes on. Married to the same man for the last thirty years and still living in the same cottage as when they married. Never asked or looked for money, but raised four girls in a two bedroom cottage. She refused running water right up to the 80's saying the spring water is free and better for you.
The only flaw in my saint like sister is she cannot handle her drink, top that with her obsession, which makes her moist is seeing two men kissing. One time when we were both young, we went to a Gay nightclub. At the bar two hunky guys were french kissing, my sister within a few minutes was so close to them that at any moment I thought all three lips would meet.
Then to my amazement standing chatting to each other, holding hands were Crispin and Bruce who seemed to be at home sipping cocktails by the pool.
"Could one of you sexy young men tell me what you are doing at my Mother's villa" Moving over to them and kissing them both on the lips.
"Dizzy, we have not got a clue, your mother's PA phoned the Florist last week and asked if I could come out and do some fabulous displays for a special event happening in two days time. Bruce was invited as my partner, but we were told not to tell you as she knows how fond you are of us and its a little surprise for you." Crispin said with a look on his face that he did not have a clue what was going on but so pleased to see a friendly face.
"Have you meet Hans yet boys, or seen my maggot of a housekeeper, she must be seeping bile somewhere?"
"Seen Rosario shuffling around the edge of the property with lit incense sticks, a bell and she was chanting but not meet the boyfriend yet." Bruce said.
"I will ring that bloody turkey neck of hers when I get hold of her. How many times have I told her not to be seen doing that Voodoo rubbish." I reach over to a waiter who is passing and grab a cocktail.
Suddenly someone was tapping on a champagne glass to get every one's attention. My Mother had arrived, standing next to her was her new man Hans. Another young one but not as young as the Count, Hans looked like he was in his early thirties, blond with bits of grey in the sides. He was wearing a linen suit with a cotton shirt unbuttoned half way down, showing off a chest, smooth as a baby's bum. Tall, slim and he looked like he had an air of importance around him. Han's is the person who was tapping the champagne glass.
"Lords, Ladies, Bishop's and close, close friends, We want to welcome you all to my little shack here and hope you all have a wonderful time. I would like to introduce Han's who is the reason you are all here. In two days time Han's and I will be getting married on our private beach, so we have brought you all here for a surprise Wedding.....Surprise." Everyone started clapping and raising their glasses to the happy couple.
"Oh for fuck sake, here we fucking well go again, another fucking step Father. Rosario you moth eaten scrubber, where the fucking hell are you, I need a fucking bottle quick?"
I have a funny suspicion that everyone just heard that because everyone is now looking straight at me. So much for the promise to my Mother to behave.
To be continued.............
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