Sitting on my Royal Doulton toilet my mind starts to clear, I had lost my licence to drive when I drove Rosario on my roof, up and down the bypass to dry her off. The answer to getting to London was easy, Queenie can drive the husband's Jag. That Queen will love driving that monster plus its big enough for me to ignore him if he goes into Queenie world. The second problem could be a bit more tricky.......Need to think.......Two more slug of the bottle......got it.
When I had Rosario's black dresses made, the wonderful dress makers put a chip in the hem. Ok you are thinking that is really dreadful, but with a ferret like my housekeeper its good to know just where she is. I can only receive the signal within twenty miles so if we plan it right the wedding will not take place before 11am and the Home Office opens at 8am. That will give me plenty of time to whip Rosario out of Registry Office before I am landed with Mr Rosario as well.
"Queenie, everything is sorted but need to ask you a favour?"
I walked into the morning room, standing at the fireplace was Queenie holding a photo of the husband. While holding the photo he kept repeating "Lovely man" then licking the glass and repeating the whole thing again.
"Queenie, put down my husband and listen. Can you drive me up to......."
"Honey if it's the Jag then the answer is yes but if it's your pink VW then no, I am not going to have people thinking its my car."
"Darling my VW is too butch for you, but yes it's the Jag."
"Fab when do we leave?"
Queenie started jumping up and down and clapping as only Gay men know how.
Queenie started jumping up and down and clapping as only Gay men know how.
"Go home get some rest as we leave at 4am, and take this bag, inside is a chauffeur's uniform and cap, you can wear that tonight."
"I'm not wearing a uniform to drive you up to London." Queenie said but I just need to remind him of a couple of points.
"Santa"
"Photo copier"
"Bye, get some rest, I will see you at 4 and press the trousers before coming over."
Queenie left with the bag, not saying a word.
Standing next to the husband's Jag, like an excited puppy was Queenie, all dressed in a Chauffeur's uniform and cap. He looked the part until he walked around the car to get my bag.
"Can't you for once in that warped world of Queenie wear sensible shoes?"
Looking at the turkish slippers on his feet.
"They are the only shoes I can drive in, sorry." He picks my bag off the floor and nearly drops it.
"What the hell is in this Dizzy?"
"Only the iPad and a few bottles for the Journey, we might break down and I'm pretty sure Little Chef does not have Sloe gin on the Menu."
I cannot remember much of the journey as by the time we hit the A30 I had drunk a bottle and was passed out on the back seat. I awoke by the tracking system clicking in and jumped to look at the map.
"So Dizzy where is Rosario?" Turning around to speak to me.
"Turn around and concentrate on the road you stupid Queen and I will see where the rotting flesh is." The red spot on the map had now stopped so where was she and why at 8am was she not moving. Zooming in I took a closer look at where she was.
Rosario was standing opposite a prison.
"Why is she standing by a prison Queenie, this is very odd?"
"That's easy Dizzy they let out prisoners at 8 each morning." That was the last thing I was thinking of but it may look like Rosario is to marry a convict, the situation is starting to get serious. First a mad Mexican on my property and if we don't catch her in time a convicted criminal could be calling my Mansion his home as well. The red spot was on the move so we headed to the Home Office to pick up her papers.
Jumping back into the car, Queenie is in fits of laughter.
"What is making you giggle?"
"Rosario, got on the tube, then changed and got onto the Circle line. She must have missed her stop because she is going all around again."
"We could be here all day if the silly old witch has fallen asleep."
Then she moved from the circle line and was on foot. Queenie started the car and we headed off in search of Dracula's Bride. Following Rosario on the iPad then directing my chauffeur which way to go. It did not take us long to park and get to the Registry Office, the only problem was which room was she in. We headed for the first double doors and open them both at the same time bursting into the room.
"STOP" I screamed as we entered the room, everyone stopped and looked at us with utter shock on their faces.
"Sorry wrong wedding........Honey (looking at the bride) on second thoughts, you know the saying the best man gets off with the bridesmaid. Well, sorry to say I think it may be the best man with the groom, and by looking at the pair, it's not the first time they will have shared bodily fluids." Turning on my tails we minced out and headed straight for the next double doors.
"STOP" I screamed again entering the second room.
"Thank fuck we found you, Mrs Registrar, this wedding is cancelled. Rosario, no need to marry this.." I look at the old man standing next to Rosario.
"Rosario please explain now..." I look the Groom up and down.
"This is Perry and I was going to marry him."
"Yes, but he is not a crook he's an International forger. Mr Perry Winkle"
At that moment Queenie fell on the floor in fits of laughter screaming over and over again
"Mrs Perry Winkle"
I turn to Rosario and put my arm around her and start to walk out of the room.
"No need to marry, Dizzy has sorted the deportation and you are now a British old witch."
"But strange boy, I wanted the name Winkle."
"I can sort that out on the way home, with one click on the internet you can even be Elizabeth Windsor."
"Winkle will do."
"Now a little word in you ear" I tighten my grip on Rosario a little tighter.
"Queenie had to go into the summerhouse, the old fruit is still in shock. By the time I get up tomorrow lunch time all your Voodoo magic dolls and pictures will not be in sight. If they are I will burn down the summer house with you in it." Rosario starts to nod
"Good we understand each other Mrs Winkle."
**************
Until next time keep safe and remember old people will not be with us long so abuse the bastards as much as you can.
Up the Gay Revolution x
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