"Dizzy why do you have to spoil every event for me!" My mother screamed as Han's and her moved through the invited guests towards me.
"I would have thought Sadie and myself would have been the first people to meet Han's and not to be flown half way across the World to be part of a gathering and to be told with the local mob." My face was starting to burn as the anger grew inside me.
"You are a spoilt little shit who only thinks of his fairy self" My mother is inches away from me by now.
"You wrinkled of toad, that's fucking rich coming from a woman who has made it her ambition to be as selfish as possible. You are 75 years old and are now the fucking laughing stock of Europe."
"I have never worried about what the little people thought."
"Well, it's about bloody time you did, you have known this Swiss Yodeller for a few weeks and now he's going to be the 11th or 12th, sorry lost count how many husbands you have had."
"Your Father would be disgusted at the way you are speaking to your own Mother."
"Don't you dare bring a man into this who dropped down dead when I was born."
"Dizzy I know this has come as a shock but I love your Mother." Hans stood before me with puppy eyes.
"First off Han's, I am about 15 years your senior so you address me as Sir, and you don't love my Mother you love her reconstructed fanny. It's a 18 year old fanny you are in love with, not the withered old prune inside all that fake."
Han's then goes to put his hand on my shoulder, when at force his arm is pushed out of the way. Standing between my Mother, Hans and I was Rosario, full teethes showing and she was growling.
"No one touches strange boy" and growls again making Han's and my Mother recoil.
"About fucking time witch, and you two love birds watch out her teeth are sharp and she will bite. Rosario go grab some cookies and a couple bottles of Sloe and meet me on the beach. I really think this company is boring me and I would rather be off my tiny brain than watch this pantomime. Good night Mother, good night Hans, and remember Han's everything you touch is probably not real." Rosario shuffles off to my suite and I head straight for the beach.
After consuming half a dozen cookies and a bottle of Sloe while watching the sun set my temper had calmed right down. I really don't mind what that old cow does but really do wish she could have told us first. Rosario had left me a couple of hours ago muttering something about phoning Mr Winkle, I thought I would take the long route back to my suite through the gardens. As I stopped to light a cocktail cigarette a voice from the bushes said
"Dizzy will you move that bubble butt of yours, as you are blocking my view."
"Sadie is that you?" I turned around and peered into the bushes.
"Get in here now" I walked around the bushes to see Sadie on all fours with binoculars trained on the villa.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Bruce and Crispin have not closed their curtains and they are snogging, it's wonderful."
"I really don't feel comfortable with you perving on my friends." Snatching the binoculars from her hand I take a quick look.
"I always said Bruce had perfect lips, Oh sweet Mary he's eating Crispin alive." The binoculars are snatched straight back.
"Dizzy, you're not really mad with Mother are you?" Sadie puts down the binoculars and sits up. So I knew my sister wanted to chat. I sit down on the grass and pull another bottle and some more cookies from my bag.
"Sometimes yes the old bat really gets me upset but no, she has done this plenty of times before. Remember husband number 7, we were told part of our summer holiday would be travelling through Europe on the Orient Express. What really happened was a surprise wedding but this time the guests including us were trapped like flies in her web. Cookie Sadie, the Mexican makes them, you will love them?" Handing Sadie the cookies I knew she could not resist Chocolate, wonder how long it will take to kick in, oh what fun.
"Thanks, I am starving, dinner was very quiet but Mother had some of her Diamonds draped over her. The food was boring so I passed on most courses, Mother never noticed as Fiji and I were placed at the far end away from her............. They are fab cookies, got any more?"
"Plenty here you go." I hand her another three.
"Do you know what really pisses me off Dizzy?"
"No Sadie, but I think you are going to tell me." Think the cookies have started to kick in.
"Damn right I'm going to tell you, Bob my husband of thirty years............. These cookies Dizzy are bloody marvellous got any more?"
"One more cookie but what about my brother in law?"
"I have never wanted anything in thirty years. We only got electric put upstairs ten years ago, so it's only a little thing and he keeps saying No."
"What's the little thing Bob is saying no to?" I will slap the bitch in a minute if she doesn't tell me, I'm moist with anticipation.
"Well, he sometimes likes to watch porno's"
"Honey that's what the internet was made for, if a man says he doesn't watch porn don't ever trust him on anything else."
"Well, I just want to play that lovely disc of 'Sexy Hunks Kissing' special double disc, limited addition, with up close filming you gave me for Christmas and he keeps saying No. I have to listen while in the throws of passion with Bob to Johnny taking big booby Tracy roughly over the kitchen bench from Real Wives volume 3. 7 volumes in the series, we have all 7. So why can't I hear and see in the background Phil and Mike making out on a golden beach. The Bastard keeps saying no."
"For a start TMI sister dear, plus he's a straight man, his willy will shrink and wither if he saw that while trying to hump his wife. That present was meant for you to watch alone, if you get my meaning. I'm just gob smacked that you have the energy for sex after having four kids."
We both burst into laughter and Sadie falls backwards and passes out. I start looking through my bag and pull out the walkie talkie.
"Poison piranha, come in Poison piranha..........Wake up you old Witch."
"What now strange boy?" Rosario answered sounding like she had just woken up.
"Got a couple of problems, first I can't feel my legs, second Sadie is past-out beside me, third thing is we are behind some bushes on the grass perving into Bruce and Crispin suite."
"So, a normal night then?"
"Get that rotting corps here NOW."
To be continued..............
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