Rosario and the Jewel Thief Part 5

     Not getting a wink of sleep all night, I was up and dressed when the Rodent creeped into my suite. Her face was priceless seeing me dressed and looking extremely attractive in a linen suit with an open neck white silk shirt.

"Morning dog breath, can see you are still living." As I walk from the bathroom into the lounge area.

"Do you want the latest update or not?" Rosario stood with her hands on her hips, that could only mean juicy news.

"OK, spill quick before I get bored and start plucking your eyebrows."

"Your Mother is going ahead with the wedding, Bruce, Crispin and the two giggling girls have been up all night creating a floral masterpiece on the beach. Oh and Inspector Marc is already back and he is drinking coffee and talking to people as they pass by the pool."

"I think if I asked you what colour everyones underwear was, you would tell me." Rosario went to answer but I raised my hand to stop her.

"I have to do something strange boy, so to miss Hans and your Mother, go down through the gardens and onto the beach. Then you can chat to your sister and then walk up to the Inspector to pick his brains."

"Honey if I had five minutes with that Inspector it will be more than his brains that I would be picking." Rosario just tutted and left through the door, while I grabbed my man bag and sun glasses and headed out of the french doors, down through the gardens onto the sandy beach.

"Wish one of you had told me your were having a little party down here last night." Shouting as I walked over to the group.

"Sorry Dizzy, we thought from your exit from the Drawing room last night that you were unwell." Sadie piped up.

"The only thing making me sick is our dear Mother." Everyone knew not to say a word, all of them in the past have defended my Mother and all of them have had my tongue whip lash them until they bled.

"Dizzy, we know the six of us and we include Rosario as well, didn't do it so who. My money is on the Bishop." Fiji stood proud as punch, she may have got it right.

"Sorry everyone something has just gone through my brain, Thank you Fiji you may have helped. Must speak to the Sexy Inspector" and started walking back to the villa via the pool.

"Watch him Dizzy, he is really quite taken with you." Bruce shouted, I raised my arm in the air and waved but carried on walking.

Before getting to the pool I ducked behind a palm tree for a couple of swigs and a few cookies. Flirting for me is easy, but with every cock teaser, I freak if anyone responds and runs a mile. I compose myself and walk around the tree and along the pools edge.

"Disnarc, it's so lovely to see you this morning, I hope you are feeling better?" Inspector Marc said, standing blocking my way to the villa.

"Sorry Inspec, I was miles away, trying to find my housekeeper. Feeling on top of the world and with a clever man like you around the diamonds will be back in no time."

"I have just seen Rosario at the front entrance, she said she was waiting for someone, but I need to talk to you, if you don't mind?" Inspector Marc takes my hand in his and looks into my eyes. Oh fuck I think a Count moment may be coming.

"Please be careful, the thief may strike again with all the guests for the wedding and this time someone may disturb them and something dreadful might happen." I start to tap his hand with my other hand.

"Don't worry Inspec, I have a rabid dog that will not allow anyone to touch me, without my say so. I would feel even more safe if you sat in the front at the wedding?" While we were speaking I moved us around so I was on the side of the villa.

"Got to dash, keep up the good work, must find that bloody leech." And with that statement I rushed into the villa leaving the Inspector standing by the pool.

Walking into the drawing room still on the hunt for Rosario, my Mother is talking with Hans and the man who was talking with the Bishop on the first night.

"Dizzy, come over here and meet His Lord Bishop of these Islands, he has kindly agreed to marry Hans and I." Mother was already dressed and ready to march down the aisle.

"Thought the wedding was not till noon?" I enquire moving towards the group.

"Hans is so excited that he phoned the Bishop last night, so we can have a small wedding now and when the rest of the guests arrive we can party."

"So lovely to meet you Master Disnarc." The Bishop said holding out his hand to shake mine.

"What a distinctive voice you have Bishop and wow the size of your hands are like paddles." I smile at the Bishop who has not got a clue. One mystery solved, our Bishop was not doing private prayer. He was on his hands and knees but on a spanking trip through the rocks with the other Bishop. They do say Birds of a feather flock together. Kinky Bastards.

"Mother I will be back in five minutes promise, must first find Rosario." I leave the room and headed for the front entrance. What greeted my eyes at the entrance of the villa was Rosario with Mr Perry Winkle.

"What the fuck is that old convict doing here Housekeeper?"

"Strange boy Mr Winkle has flown over, you must listen." Rosario was trying to make me listen.

"I have not got time for your morbid death pack the two of you might have. I have another old goat to give away, talk to me later and I minced back to the Drawing room.

Standing alone in the room was my Mother, waiting on me to give her away one more time.

"Dizzy I am so sorry but Hans wants everything so quick."

"Mother, why another young man, what's wrong with older guys"

"They make me feel young and it means I'm not alone, I'm getting old Dizzy?"

"Honey you look forty, with all those lifts and Botox if you fell over your face would crack the tiles."

"You are strange Dizzy, let's go." Mother slips her hand through my arm and we start walking. My mind begins to work overtime.

"TILES" I shout as we reached the beach.

"Mother, you can't marry Hans" I stop dead just before we reach Hans and the Bishop.

"Don't be silly Dizzy." Mother started to have a worried look over her face.

From the Villa screaming on top of her voice and shuffling with Mr Winkle beside her came Rosario.

"STOP, STRANGE BOYS MOTHER, STOP."

Rosario reach us panting like a dog.

"Hans"was all Rosario could say still panting and Mr Winkle spoke.

"Morning Jimmy when did you get out of the Scrubs?"

"Who is this old man and who is Jimmy?" My mother looked quite flushed by now and we all looked at Mr Winkle.

"That man there is Jimmy Nibbles" and he pointed at Hans and at that moment Inspector Marc moved quickly and quietly behind Him.

"When I got out I was asked to do a passport for Jimmy Nibbles the Jewel Thief. The passport he wanted was Swiss with the name Hans. Passport sorted, I sent it on its way to an address provided."

"Hurry up old man, the sun is rising high in the sky and my Mother could melt at any time." Really I had started to glow and the cookies were wearing off very quick.

"I didn't think anything about it until Rosario mentioned coming over here to meet Hans. I thought it was a coincidence, until Rosario phoned to say Diamonds had been stolen and she had sent photo's of everyone but Hans and I jumped on a plane to make sure I wasn't mistaken."

Inspector Marc grabs hold of Jimmy.

"Jimmy Nibbles you are arrested." That was so camp, but with a bit of butch thrown in, Inspector Marc then leads him away.

"Where are my Diamonds?" Mother screams and then sobs.

"OH that's easy Mother, I was trying to tell you before Mr and Mrs Winkle rudely interrupted me. It was the wet tiles the maid slipped on. The only person to get wet that afternoon was Hans/Jimmy, when the maid came running out we all forgot about the last twenty minutes and to us all Hans/Jimmy was always around and even catching Mother fainting when the news broke. We all saw him swimming but he swam past the rocks, around the corner to the rear section of the villa and entered the maids corridor. He was wet so that is how the tiles got wet. When he swam back, I thought it was strange he was going slow, but we could not see he was pulling the loot. He started Diving which I thought was just him showing off, but think if you look just over there in the waters you will find the lost treasure of Atlantis. Mutant Munchkin, swim out and get the loot please." Rosario shuffles off into the water and before long is dragging the weighted bag onto the beach.

"How did you know it would still be there Dizzy?" Bruce said, who was now holding Mother, who was feeling faint.

"He never had time to collect it, after the Inspector inspected us last night, Jimmy was stuck with Mother and then you four went onto the Beach to decorate for today.  Which I would like to say looks bloody Fabulous, bravo Crispin, shame it's going to waste. You would have seen and heard him in the waters at 3am. I really do amaze myself."

On the flight home I felt happy that for once we didn't end up going to one of my Mother's weddings. I am in such a good mood I have sent down two packets of cashew nuts to second class. Mr Winkle is travelling back to the UK with us.

Until next time keep safe and remember save time on washing clothes for an old person, shower them dressed and make them stand outside until they are dry.

Up the Gay Revolution x

                                                                                       

                                  

Rosario and The Jewel Thief Part 4

     Moist is not really the word to describe how I am feeling right now. I'm dripping with excitement, quick, get a plastic sheet and put it under me. I have not been this excited since I got stuck in a lift with seven Tom Daley lookalikes, whom were all entered into a Tom Daley lookalike competition. Well, the lift got hotter and hotter, sweat dripping down smooth chests, all seven were only wearing tight Speedo's. I felt over dressed in shirt and jeans and the lovely boys helped me undress so I was just in my Designer boxers, the only reason of course was to cool down. Best 4 hours of my life, what that Polish Tom Daley could do in tight corners was amazing.
 We were all gathered in the Drawing room waiting on the Inspector to finish talking to all the staff including Rosario in the kitchen. Mother is sitting on one sofa with Hans and Sadie either side holding each hand, Mother the drama Queen is whimpering and staring into space. On the opposite sofa was Dutch and her husband Willy with Fiji. The Bishop is standing by the fireplace looking very shifty and nervous with the Bishop's wife standing in the far corner talking to Bruce and Crispin. Rosario enters with a tray of drinks for everyone.

"It was that Mexican Whore that stole My Diamonds." My Mother just stood up and pointed straight at Rosario.

"Hold on one minute you over Botoxed Bitch, don't you dare accuse a loyal, caring, loving and devoted member of my staff."

"I would not be surprised if you had something to do with this Dizzy, you do get bored very easily, you old Queen." Mother was now standing inches from my face.

"Ladies please calm down and sit down." The voice came from a tall slim handsome man standing in the doorway.

"I hope you know who you are addressing boy." Said the Bishop, being very protective of my Mother.

"Yes, My Lord Bishop, I know who everyone is in this Room. We normally want to know when important guests are on our Island. Countess, Duchess, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm Inspector Marc Parks, and your cooperation would be much appreciated. Slanging matches between family members does not help matters." He stares at my Mother.

"It was that Mexican, she stole my diamonds." Mother was up on her feet again.

"Sit down you old trout and if you don't stop accusing Rosario I promise when we find the fucking diamonds I will shove them down your throat so far you will need another Inspector to bloody find them again." My Mother sat straight back down, don't know if she was angry, with so much Botox on her face any emotion is hard to see.

" All the staff including Rosario have been cleared of anything to do with the thief, the Diamonds were stolen between 4.25pm to 4.35pm. Two maids had entered the Master bedroom suite at 4.15pm to prepare for the Countess to bath and dress for dinner. Both maids left to collect new bath towels, both returning back down the  corridor at 4.30pm, when one maid slipped on some wet tiles causing them to return to the kitchen where the rest of the staff were for help. A different maid helped with the towels and entered the room at 4.35pm. The master bedroom had been ransacked and every piece of jewellery seems to have been taken."

"Hold on sexy, too much information for a little brain like mine to take in. You don't mind if my creature from the black lagoon goes and gets my cocktail cigarettes?" I said with a cheeky smile on my face, directing it right at the Inspector.

6 of the best.

"Disnarc, Sir it's an honour to meet you at last, your book on '50 ways to Drink Sloe Gin' is still a best seller here, of course Rosario can go and get the cigarettes for you."

"What can I say Inspec, just bring a copy over and I will sign it with love from me to you. Maggot breath, bring my phone and a bottle as well, shuffle along now." Looking away from the stare of the sexy Inspector to Rosario and when I had finished speaking back to the Inspector, winking at him, causing him to blush.

"Moving on everyone, was anyone not in the area of the beach between the times of 4.15pm to 4.40pm?" The Inspector enquired. By this time Rosario had returned with the cigarettes, phone and bottle. Passing the phone I hand it back to her quietly saying

"Go into the corner and start taking photo's, we might be able to see a guilty face among them."

"Four people were missing from the party." Bruce announced from the corner.

"Continue Bruce if you would not mind." Asked the Inspector Marc.

"Mrs Bishop was not in the group but at the very far end of the beach walking, but we could all see her, but we did not see the Bishop from 2pm, till he walked in from the gardens. Dutch and Willy where out with the Chauffeur and Dizzy and Rosario where next to the rocks from about 4pm onwards and we could see them both." Bishop then looks straight at me and I just look back and smile. Mrs Bishop goes red as a beetroot and steps forward and stands like a little girl about to give a speech at school.

"My husband has private prayer every day from 2.30pm till 4.30pm, and he would not steal the diamonds because he does not need them. For the last 30 bloody years he has given 80% of his monthly salary away to charity." Mrs Bishop, going even more redder now with anger. How dare anyone accuse her husband, and by the sounds of it, she's a little pissed off he's been given all his salary away. At this time I could have mentioned that his Lord Bishop was on the beach, but looking at him at the fireplace, sweat pouring from his face I was enjoying seeing him squirm.

 "Duchess, you and your Husband were off the premises, but I have spoken to the chauffeur who said you arrived back at 4.40pm to hear the maids screaming, so I can rule the two of you out."The Inspector was now pacing the floor.

"Please Inspec, enough of the melodrama. I really do think Inspec that you should hang around because tomorrow my Mother will be getting married to her Swiss lover on the beach, all I need to do is give the old crow away, then I will be free as a bird for you to integrate me." By this time three quarters of the bottle had made its way down my throat.

"Rosario, I think I may have had too much Sun and could pass out at any moment, please take me to my rooms, if that's OK with the Inspector?" Fuck I'm a good actress.

"Of course Sir, if I need to speak to you......." I interrupt him,

"Just knock on my bedroom suite, I will make myself 100% available for you." Rosario puts an arm around my waist and mutters, "Slut" under her breath and we start walking to the door.

"I still say that witch done it." My Mother pointed her long finger at Rosario. Without looking back I answered her,

"When you die Mother Dearest we will need an industrial oven to cremate your body. We will need some bloody hot heat to melt all that plastic." Dutch and Sadie burst into laughter as we leave the room.

Walking down the corridor Rosario turns and asks 

"So strange boy who did it and you can now drop the act of having to much sun, we are clear of everyone."

"You can beat me senseless with the Bishop's paddle, I really have not got a clue. Tomorrow at the wedding, with all the guests and Jewellery   on show, the thief may try his or hers luck and strike again. It's a queer one old girl but a good night sleep might help me jog my memory, I'm missing something, its like something on the tip of my tongue."

"Normally Sloe Gin, creme eggs, cookies or a cock is on the tip of that tongue."

"I will pretend I did not hear that, Goodnight and wake me at 8."

"Haha, you up in the morning, I just can't wait." Rosario shuffled off down the corridor, leaving me with my thoughts.

Lying in bed nibbling on some cookies and sipping a glass of Sloe I try and think back to the events of that day. Annoying part was, I was passed out cold until 3pm so what went on before will never be known. Tomorrow is going to be boring with the wedding at noon, this villa is going to be crazy from first light. Something about today was not right but could not put my finger on it, sleep will help or another glass of Sloe and one more cookie might do the trick as well.

To be continued...........

Rosario and the Jewel Thief Part 3

      Sleeping more than normal, personally I think it's a side effect from the cookies and not my Sloe Gin. I awoke around 3pm by the rodent from Mexico shaking me.

"Wake up, you drunken poof, everyone is down at the beach. All clear for you to get up, I have placed your sun lounger far away from everyone else, this side of the rocks."

"So what is everyone up to?" I asked sitting up in bed and reaching for a cocktail cigarette.

"Bruce and Crispin are on sun loungers, which are very close together, making it a look like a double bed. Your sister and Fiji are right behind them, both women dribbling every time they kiss or Bruce flexes his muscles."

"What about the love birds and the church of kink?"

"Han's is showing off in the water with your Mother lying on a daybed totally in the shade, watching him. The Bishop's wife was last scene walking away from the villa along the waters edge. The Bishop disappeared about thirty minutes ago but don't know where."

"God, you are good, do we need to pass any of them to get to the sun lounger?"

"Go via the grass and bushes where you and Sadie had your late night cookie party."

"Did you get us back OK?" I slip out of bed and put on my tight pink swimming shorts. I will dip into the sea to waken up.

"You were easy, I always keep a creme egg in my dress and you just follow the egg until you get into bed. Your sister was passed out cold and she is one hell of a dead weight asleep. I dragged her by her feet  to her room, where I left her in the hands of Fiji."

Once on the lounger and Rosario had oiled me up I sat back to watch the goings on. To my far left was the group of guests, Bruce and Crispin kissing on their sun loungers and the two girls behind, giggling like teenagers. My Mother was reclining on a daybed feeding Han's grapes, my stomach turned. I closed my eyes and soaked up the sun. About half an hour later around 4.15pm I was awoken by people talking.

"Rosario, wake up you lazy bitch and get over here." I whisper and chuck the bottle of sun tan lotion over to the palm trees where Rosario  was asleep. 

"Where are those voices coming from, I'm sure one of them is the Bishop, I just don't know who the other voice is........Listen." Rosario, creep over to the rocks and then we heard

"SLAP..........OUCH.....Give it to me big boy"

"You want it you naughty boy?...........Slap"

"OOOHHHHH  YESSSSS........Ive been so naughty.........Slap"

Rosario and I just looked at each other, both of us remembering the phone video of a tranny in crotchless knickers being spanked by Marco. The new spanker was someone on this island, it could be anyone as they have  already been here a week. Then swimming past came show off Han's who as he passed us waved and shouted Hello. Sticking two fingers up and shouting back to him 

"Drown you Swiss wanker."

 That spooked the Bishop and his friend, and we heard him say

"Oh fuck, hide before Han's sees us."

 Han's didn't see the kinky twosome but carried on swimming around the corner. Settling back down trying to think if I had heard that mysterious voice before. I could see walking towards the main group Mrs Bishop who carried on passing them and onwards towards the rocks and us. Ten minutes past with only Mrs Bishop passing us and waving hello, the Bishop and his slapping friend had long gone. The girls were still giggling with Bruce and Crispin catching on to the girls, Crispin oiling up Bruce's hard body with oil, stopping to lick a nipple then hearing the squeals of delight from the loungers behind . At one point I thought my sister was going to jump them, but Fiji was holding her back.

"Oh look Rosario, Han's is swimming back, wow he is going slowly, look he is now showing off diving. Hope he is not another Count who wants my body. There he's picking up speed again, oh look   Mother is waiting at the water's edge with a towel."

"MISTRESS CYBIL, MISTRESS CYBIL" A chambermaid came running from the Villa onto the beach.

"YOUR DIAMONDS, MISTRESS CYBIL, SOMEONE HAS TAKEN YOUR DIAMONDS" Screamed the chambermaid as she runs towards the group. 

Han's races from the water and catches my Mother as she faints, he lifts her in his arms and starts to walk towards the Villa.

"Call the police, my Cybil has been violated." Han's shouts to the staff now standing by the pool. 

Everyone starts walking back to the villa, all of us in a daze, I feel a tug on my sleeve and look down at Rosario who beckons me to come close to hear something.

"Someone in this group stole the Diamonds, this villa has to much security for anyone to walk in and only the staff and guests knew she had her diamonds with her." Rosario whispers.

"What is puzzling me is why are her diamonds out and not locked away in the local bank as normal. I think my dear skunk you may be right. Keep close but let me know if you see anything. For now we will let the police do there investigating but I think we need to look at our fellow guests to find the thief."

"Including your Sister and Fiji?"

"Everyone, including my sister, she could be the jewel thief."

To be continued......................

Rosario and the Jewel Thief Part 2

    "Dizzy why do you have to spoil every event for me!" My mother screamed as Han's and her moved through the invited guests towards me.

"I would have thought Sadie and myself would have been the first people to meet Han's and not to be flown half way across the World to be part of a gathering and  to be told with the local mob." My face was starting to burn as the anger grew inside me.

"You are a spoilt little shit who only thinks of his fairy self" My mother is inches away from me by now.

"You wrinkled of toad, that's fucking rich coming from a woman who has made it her ambition to be as selfish as possible. You are 75 years old and are now the fucking laughing stock of Europe."

"I have never worried about what the little people thought."

"Well, it's about bloody time you did, you have known this Swiss Yodeller for a few weeks and now he's going to be the 11th or 12th, sorry lost count how many husbands you have had."

"Your Father would be disgusted at the way you are speaking to your own Mother."

"Don't you dare bring a man into this who dropped down dead when I was born."

"Dizzy I know this has come as a shock but I love your Mother." Hans stood before me with puppy eyes.

"First off Han's, I am about 15 years your senior so you address me as Sir, and you don't love my Mother you love her reconstructed fanny. It's a 18 year old fanny you are in love with, not the withered old prune inside all that fake." 

Han's then goes to put his hand on my shoulder, when at force his arm is pushed out of the way. Standing between my Mother, Hans and I was Rosario, full teethes showing and she was growling.

"No one touches strange boy" and growls again making Han's and my Mother recoil.

"About fucking time witch, and you two love birds watch out her teeth are sharp and she will bite. Rosario go grab some cookies and a couple bottles of Sloe and meet me on the beach. I really think this company is boring me and I would rather be off my tiny brain than watch this pantomime. Good night Mother, good night Hans, and remember Han's everything you touch is probably not real." Rosario shuffles off to my suite and I head straight for the beach.

     After consuming half a dozen cookies and a bottle of Sloe while watching the sun set my temper had calmed right down. I really don't mind what that old cow does but really do wish she could have told us first. Rosario had left me a couple of hours ago muttering something about phoning Mr Winkle, I thought I would take the long route back to my suite through the gardens. As I stopped to light a cocktail cigarette a voice from the bushes said

"Dizzy will you move that bubble butt of yours, as you are blocking my view."

"Sadie is that you?" I turned around and peered into the bushes.

"Get in here now" I walked around the bushes to see Sadie on all fours with binoculars trained on the villa.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Bruce and Crispin have not closed their curtains and they are snogging, it's wonderful."

"I really don't feel comfortable with you perving on my friends." Snatching the binoculars from her hand I take a quick look.

"I always said Bruce had perfect lips, Oh sweet Mary he's eating Crispin alive." The binoculars are snatched straight back.

"Dizzy, you're not really mad with Mother are you?" Sadie puts down the binoculars and sits up. So I knew my sister wanted to chat. I sit down on the grass and pull another bottle and some more cookies from my bag.

"Sometimes yes the old bat really gets me upset but no, she has done this plenty of times before. Remember husband number 7, we were told part of our summer holiday would be travelling through Europe on the Orient Express. What really happened was a surprise wedding but this time the guests including us were trapped like flies in her web. Cookie Sadie, the Mexican makes them, you will love them?" Handing Sadie the cookies I knew she could not resist Chocolate, wonder how long it will take to kick in, oh what fun.

"Thanks, I am starving, dinner was very quiet but Mother had some of her Diamonds draped over her. The food was boring so I passed on most courses, Mother never noticed as Fiji and I were placed at the far end away from her............. They are fab cookies, got any more?"

"Plenty here you go." I hand her another three.

"Do you know what really pisses me off Dizzy?"

"No Sadie, but I think you are going to tell me." Think the cookies have started to kick in.

"Damn right I'm going to tell you, Bob my husband of thirty years............. These cookies Dizzy are bloody marvellous got any more?"

"One more cookie but what about my brother in law?"

"I have never wanted anything in thirty years. We only got electric put upstairs ten years ago, so it's only a little thing and he keeps saying No."

"What's the little thing Bob is saying no to?" I will slap the bitch in a minute if she doesn't tell me, I'm moist with anticipation.

"Well, he sometimes likes to watch porno's"

"Honey that's what the internet was made for, if a man says he doesn't watch porn don't ever trust him on anything else."

"Well, I just want to play that lovely disc of 'Sexy Hunks Kissing' special double disc, limited addition, with up close filming you gave me for Christmas and he keeps saying No. I have to listen while in the throws of passion with Bob to Johnny taking big booby Tracy roughly over the kitchen bench from Real Wives volume 3. 7 volumes in the series, we have all 7. So why can't I hear and see in the background Phil and Mike making out on a golden beach. The Bastard keeps saying no."

"For a start TMI sister dear, plus he's a straight man, his willy will shrink and wither if he saw that while trying to hump his wife. That present was meant for you to watch alone, if you get my meaning. I'm just gob smacked that you have the energy for sex after having four kids."

We both burst into laughter and Sadie falls backwards and passes out. I start looking through my bag and pull out the walkie talkie.

"Poison piranha, come in Poison piranha..........Wake up you old Witch."

"What now strange boy?" Rosario answered sounding like she had just woken up.

"Got a couple of problems, first I can't feel my legs, second Sadie is past-out beside me, third thing is we are behind some bushes on the grass perving into Bruce and Crispin suite."

"So, a normal night then?"

"Get that rotting corps here NOW."

To be continued..............

 

Rosario and the Jewel Thief Part 1

     As the doors opened and I exited the airport terminal, the heat just hit me. Why my mother had to drag me over to some Caribbean Island just for me to meet the new young man in her life I will never know. Not that I was upset, as Cornwall can get quite frustrating with emits everywhere this time of year. Mother is footing the whole bill so I just needed to sit back and travel in style, First Class of course. 

Standing in a full chauffeurs uniform was a sexy guy with piercing blue eyes, he was holding a sign which read 'Master Disnarc.' I am forty five years old and my Mother still insists on treating me like a bloody child.

"Master Disnarc?" Said the chauffeur with a smile and manor that could melt chocolate.

"My friends call me Dizzy, but you Handsome can call my Diz." One day my smart mouth will get me into trouble, I really can't wait for that day.

"Do you have any bags Sir?"

"Drop the Sir unless you are into that kinky stuff, oh bugger forgot about my bag, but that's OK my bag is going to be picking up my luggage."

The arrival doors open and through the throng of people a luggage trolley moved along seemingly by its self. Eight large suitcases, three vanity cases and seven duty free bags were upon this trolley which was moving along at a very slow pass.

"Rosario you lazy cow, move that bony body quicker, I'm starting to glow." The trolley moved passed me then stopped, a hand shot out with a bottle of Sloe Gin.

"Drink quick strange boy" Rosario pressed the bottle into my hands.

"I'm fine you scanty witch, travelling First class has its benefits apart from the hunky Trolley Dollies there is free booze all the way. Did you get the packet of cashew nuts I sent down to second class for you?"

"Can I load the limousine now Master Disnarc?" The chauffeur looked at both of us in bewilderment.

"Load up Darling but don't load this creature she can sit with me in the back." Waving my finger in Rosario's face.

We both settled down for the ride to my Mother's private Villa, a modest place with six luxury bedrooms all with en-suite, drawing room, outside dinning or inside,library, games room (Because most of her husbands, who were not long out of nappies, liked playing with toys). I enjoy toys as well but mine mostly are made of rubber and need batteries. A pool which then leads down to her own private beach, eight staff to cater for every ones needs and a well stocked bar.

Rosario picked up her rucksack and started rummaging through it. She pulled out a plastic container and opened it.

"Cookie strange boy?"

"You're telling me you have been carrying those voodoo cookies in your ruck sack since we left home yesterday?"

"Don't worry strange boy I have twenty dozen packed in and around the suitcases" I grab two and start devouring them.

"I can't believe you let me come all this way and not offered me one" Spitting some of the cookies over Rosario

"Because you drunken poof, you nearly got us arrested in the lounge because you were that pissed that you tried to dry hump a security guard. I would have never have gotten you through departures stoned as well."

"Fair point coffin dodger, now hand me that container as in less than ten minutes my dear Mother will be lecturing me on something or other so being stoned would help, pass the driver a couple as well."

Ten minutes later the chauffeur, myself and Rosario are singing:- 

"She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes" 

Our version is slightly more risqué, 

"She'll be blowin' Johnny hard  when she comes" 

or 

"She'll be fucking like a rabbit when she comes"                                                                                                             

By the time we arrived at the front doors of the villa, the door of the limousine opened and all three of us were heard loud and clear screaming 

"She'll be fingering Aunt Betsy when she cums."

"Dizzy, you are the only person who can embarrass his Mother even before you step out of the car." My Mother was standing holding a pink parasol to shade her face and skin from the sun. With the amount of work and Botox that's gone into her body, one ray of sunshine could melt the old girl.

"Nice to see you to Mother." Jumping out of the limousine and air kissing her.

"What is that doing here?" 

"Where is my Son in Law?" 

"Dizzy, I have most of my diamonds with me, and you bring a strange woman into my house." 

Mother just kept looking at Rosario down her long nose, the look of disgust over her face, like Rosario had just flashed her left tit at her.

"Sorry, the Husband had urgent banking in some European Bank, but he is trying to fly over next weekend. Rosario is my pet old hag, where I go that rodent will follow, she is now my companion who has your dear Son in Law's approval."

"She can bunk up with the kitchen staff, she will fit right in. Dizzy just please behave, you know most  of my other guests so act like an adult. Hans is so looking forward to meeting you." She slips her arm through mine and leads me into the villa.

"I will be good, promise, let me freshen up first, so I can look my best for Hans."

"Your normal bedroom suite is ready Darling, see you down by the pool for cocktails before dinner."

Walking down to the pool I could see the guests were already knocking cocktails back, chatting within small groups with a classical guitar player in the corner playing. Looking around I could see important people of the Island who always suck up to my dear Mother, and my fellow house guests who are staying with my Mother. The house guests list was made up of close family and friends.

 First, was my Mother's oldest friend 'Dutch' or her real name Veronica, Mary, Joyce, The Duchess of Haveago. The nickname comes from when I was small and just started calling her 'Dutch". Standing at only 5'4" and round as a barrel, Dutch had no airs or graces. Her hair was always a mess and now grey and she was wearing her normal multicoloured caftan and holding two cocktail glasses. Dutch was my drinking partner and when we are together trouble comes fast and furious. Mother never tells me off because she knows Dutch had something to do with it.

Dutch was accompanied by her second husband Willy who had no title. Her first husband the Earl died in a freak safari accident, only six months into their marriage. With no children or heirs to claim the title the Haveago dynasty will die with Dutch. Willy was the most boring man I have ever meet, this man could bore for Britain. I can see why Dutch is always pissed if you have to listen to him all day. A tall elegant man who always wore a Panama hat and a jacket what ever the weather. This man finds it exciting talking about dishwashers and how amazed he is to have an en-suite.

Next was the Bishop and his wife, as most of you are avid readers you will know there is something queer going on there. Why my Mother invites them is unbelievable but she says always "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer" Well must make a note to invite Mrs West's to come and live with us. Mrs Bishop was standing looking out to the sea while the Bishop was talking to a very handsome middle aged man. The Bishop seemed very excited like he had found a ping pong set and we just know that the ping pong ball would never be used.


On the far side of the pool was Fiji Bennett, who is like a sister to me and has always been in our lives. Fiji was talking to my real sister Sadie.  Sadie is nothing like my Mother or me. She is kind, caring, sweet, thoughtful, understanding and the list goes on. Married to the same man for the last thirty years and still living in the same cottage as when they married. Never asked or looked for money, but raised four girls in a two bedroom cottage. She refused running water right up to the 80's saying the spring water is free and better for you.


The only flaw in my saint like sister is she cannot handle her drink, top that with her obsession, which makes her moist is seeing two men kissing. One time when we were both young, we went to a Gay nightclub. At the bar two hunky guys were french kissing, my sister within a few minutes was so close to them that at any moment I thought all three lips would meet.

Then to my amazement standing chatting to each other, holding hands were Crispin and Bruce who seemed to be at home sipping cocktails by the pool.

"Could one of you sexy young men tell me what you are doing at my Mother's villa" Moving over to them and kissing them both on the lips.

"Dizzy, we have not got a clue, your mother's PA phoned the Florist last week and asked if I could come out and do some fabulous displays for a special event happening in two days time. Bruce was invited as my partner, but we were told not to tell you as she knows how fond you are of us and its a little surprise for you." Crispin said with a look on his face that he did not have a clue what was going on but so pleased to see a friendly face.

"Have you meet Hans yet boys, or seen my maggot of a housekeeper, she must be seeping bile somewhere?"

"Seen Rosario shuffling around the edge of the property with lit incense sticks, a bell and she was chanting but not meet the boyfriend yet." Bruce said.

"I will ring that bloody turkey neck of hers when I get hold of her. How many times have I told her not to be seen doing that Voodoo rubbish." I reach over to a waiter who is passing and grab a cocktail.

Suddenly someone was tapping on a champagne glass to get every one's attention. My Mother had arrived, standing next to her was her new man Hans. Another young one but not as young as the Count, Hans looked like he was in his early thirties, blond with bits of grey in the sides. He was wearing a linen suit with a cotton shirt unbuttoned half way down, showing off a chest, smooth as a baby's bum. Tall, slim and he looked like he had an air of importance around him. Han's is the person who was tapping the champagne glass.

"Lords, Ladies, Bishop's and close, close friends, We want to welcome you all to my little shack here and hope you all have a wonderful time. I would like to introduce Han's who is the reason you are all here. In two days time Han's and I will be getting married on our private beach, so we have brought you all here for a surprise Wedding.....Surprise." Everyone started clapping and raising their glasses to the happy couple.

"Oh for fuck sake, here we fucking well go again, another fucking step Father. Rosario you moth eaten scrubber, where the fucking hell are you, I need a fucking bottle quick?"

I have a funny suspicion that everyone just heard that because everyone is now looking straight at me. So much for the promise to my Mother to behave.


To be continued.............

Rosario to the Rescue.

     I could hear the laughter creeping up to my Bedroom suite and pure noisiness dragged my exhausted sober body down to see what the witchy cackling was all about. It didn't take long for the voices to become clear, one was the Mexican, blood sucking, housekeeper Mrs Rosario Winkle. The name still baffles me, I really don't know why the old hag didn't change her name to Mrs Satan and have done with it. The other voice came from the Postwoman Fanny Clegg, her real first name was Virginia but from any early age she was no virgin, and boys always said she had the best Vagina in the County and some even said it had teeth. One bloke penned a song to her called 'Fanny, I love that Fanny'. That was years ago but our dearly loved Postwoman is the biggest gossip in the South West. I have passed that woman on a corner of a street talking to another gossip and two hours later she is still standing talking. If you want a little story spreading then go to Fanny. Entering the kitchen the room goes deadly quiet.

"I thought I could hear your deep voice cackling down here Fanny." Walking around to kiss her on both cheeks then grabbing a bottle, glass and perching myself on a stool.

"OK witches of Bodmin moor, what is all the laughter about and Rosario you vile little toad what are you hiding behind your back?"

"Fanny brought my New Passport over special."

"Thank you Fanny, now the crow has a British Passport none of us are safe."

"You are both very welcome, but Dizzy I wish you would move as it's nearly a twenty minute walk up your drive." Fanny said and she looked like she was itching to tell us something else.

"Blame the Husband for that, you know these International Bankers they just love going up and down long things. You look hot honey, come take a seat and Rosario will pour you a wonderful soft drink to quench your thirst." Rosario just looks at me blankly, which for that dragon is regular.

"Just get a glass witch, put some ice cubes in, then get the syrup from over there and pour over the ice." Pointing to a dark bottle with no label, Rosario's face changed and then I knew the witch was on the same page now.

"Then just pour sparkling water over the top and you have a refreshing tongue loosening drink."

Sometimes people actually miss what I'm saying, many a time I have gone into someones house and said  

"What a lovely Dildo rail you have." 

The trick is when they say  'Pardon' or if you are in a less than desirable residence 'What',  jump straight back with 

"I said dear what a lovely dado rail you have."

"GULP, GULP, GULP, slurp, slurp, Wow Dizzy, you are right can I have another glass?"

"Sure honey, Rosario put a little bit more syrup in this time. Now Fanny my love what's the gossip that you know will get me moist."

"Well, don't tell a soul................ But.................... Mrs West"

"What about that bible bashing, homophobic, bigoted cow." You can tell I have a great passion for this gargoyle from Hell.

"Gulp, Gulp Well, she has been getting letters from companies, Gulp, Gulp."

"Witch, another drink for Fanny, now Fanny dear go on." By now you could see the drink was taking effect. Its Sloe's soaked in Gin, homemade by a friend who makes it for me. How the buggery he gets it like that is a mystery but its powerful stuff, the amazing thing is its taste, when its made that way it tastes just like cordial. You are meant to sip it on a hot sunny afternoon not gulp it down, glass after glass. Fanny had finished her fourth glass by now.

"Mrs Wests letters are for Final Demands, by the looks of them we are talking thousands."

"How fab Mrs West in court and thrown out of her house."

"The one I feel sorry for is Crispin, but then we are now living in tougher times."

"Back up Fanny gone loose, what about Crispin, Rosario another glass for Fanny, quick and pour half the glass full of the syrup and forget the ice."

"Please Dizzy............... Don't breathe a word as I love that boy as if he had come out of me." OK anything is possible with the history that Vagina has seen.

"Everyday when I deliver his mail, he always greets me with his lovely cute smile and hands me just one flower but always so perfect. For the last couple of weeks, no smile or flower he is really looking down."

"I haven't seen Crispin since the famous Coffee Morning, he always delivers and arranges the flowers the night the Husband takes me out for our date night. Really the Husband is an old fashioned soul, a good wine and dine then sixty nine, but this is dreadful, what is going on?"

"Oneeeeeee otffffher strange thinnnng" By now Fanny was slurring her words and it was starting to become hard to understand.

"Mrs Westie poooooos has sent Crispin foooour letters as I knooooow it's her I knooow her hand writinggggg. She never goes intoooo Crispin's because he'ssssss in her eyes a vile perv.................." Fanny passes out and falls off the chair.

"Rosario, take Fanny back to her house, place her in the chair by her fire, then I will see you upstairs in the Attic as I think Rosario Private Dick needs to go to work."

"OK strange boy." Rosario picks Fanny's feet up and starts dragging her to the hallway."

"Not through the house and on my parquet flooring, we do have standards. Go through the kitchen door and around the side, you stupid old woman."

One great advantage of having a pink VW is that I can track it easily through the telescope, so I watched Rosario park up at Fanny's rear entrance and drag her luckily by the arms into the house. For the plan  whizzing around in my brain to work I need the help of a handsome devil who can charm birds from the trees. I press 5 on my mobile and the phone dials the number.

"Bruce's car wash, how can I help?" Poor Bruce he still sounded sad over the break up of him and Marco.

"Brucie Baby, Dizzy here to pull you out of all this mopping after that kinky, short Italian."

"Dizzy I am not in the mood" Replied Bruce.

"We think Mrs West is blackmailing someone and"

"I will be right over" and he hung up the phone. 

Watching him through the telescope he moved so fast out of the car wash and over to the Mansion that he was standing next to me before that Mexican had gotten back into my car.Time the old dragon had climbed the stairs to the attic I was pacing the floor thinking the plan through.

"At fucking last you lazy mongrel, now I can tell you my plan. Bruce at 2.30 tomorrow I want you to go into Crispin's florist and chat him up."

"But I don't know him and he may not be my type?" Walking over to him I gently touch the side of his face with my hand."

 "Gorgeous boy, he has a cock , you will fancy him, trust Auntie Dizzy" A big smile erupts over Bruce's face.

"While Bruce is in the shop, Rosario will slip up the side street, right up to Crispin's back entrance and see if she can find anything that may help us figure out what's going on."

"So, drunken strange boy what are you doing?"

"Very good question lizard breath, I will be in the coffee shop opposite directing you over the walkie talkie."

"But the coffee shop is busy at that time of day, you will be seen talking into the radio." Bruce said.

"I know the owners very well and have already phoned, asked how much it would cost to hire out the top floor for an afternoon. £250 later, problem solved and the another little thing I asked them for was a glass, they know Disnarc always bring his own liquid."

                                                         

 The stage was set, I was sitting in the coffee shop waiting for Bruce to go into the florist and the poison ninja was waiting around the corner for my word. This excitement is too much for me, I cannot make up my mind if I am moist or dripping, bugger it, I'm both. As I reached down to pick up the walkie talkie Bruce walks around the corner. My eyes nearly popped out of my head seeing Bruce in his outfit. The model on the right may not be Bruce but you get the picture. Leather jacket that had a hoodie inside, both open showing his wonderful body. When he walked you got glimpses of his nipples which brushed against the hoodie. His jeans were fitting so tight that every bulge could be seen and a V line that screamed 'follow me to heaven'. When I said go in and flirt with the guy I did not imagine he would cause such a stir walking down the street and into the florist. Just looking at the faces as he past them, most would have been moist because I was just watching him.

"Medusa, you Slag are you still breathing" I said down the walkie talkie.

"Watch your mouth you drunken slut."

"Bruce has entered Crispin, so up the back entrance and into the back of the shop, find anything that will link Crispin to Hippo."

Meanwhile in the shop, Bruce was chatting and laughing with Crispin, there is flirting going on as Crispin is waving his arms about like he is going to take off. The arm and hand movements just appear one day, you never ask for it but all great Queens receive this gift. Next time watch, we talk with our hands as well as using our mouths. Being flattered and getting excited will trigger the arm movements so I knew everything was on the right track.

"Godzilla's Grandmother what the fuck is going on?"

"Hush up, I'm trying to look but nothing. There is another door but it's locked."

"Well, find the bloody key you rancid creature."

"That's what I was trying to do before you.......Found it."

"And?????"

From the corner of my eye I could see marching down the street, the Hippo Mrs West. She was dressed in the normal cardigan and skirt with pearls around that hippo's fat neck. When Mrs West marched passed people they just withered and died, the blood drained from their faces.

"Maggot, come in Maggot, Hippo marching into shop, Crispin has gone white as a sheet. Bruce is just looking now at the flowers."

"Strange boy"

"Shut up Satan, funny business going on in the shop, Crispin has handed Mrs West a white envelope. Hippo on the move out of the shop with a big smile on her face. Fuck, she is even uglier when she smiles."

"You Drunken poof, I have found out what Crispin's little secret is."

"Well, what is it?"

"Shut up he's coming I need to get out so I will bring one back"

"Bring what back..................Rosario answer me..............."

I left my seat and moved quickly out of the coffee shop and grabbed hold of Bruce who was in some sort of day dream. As we started walking Rosario darted out of the side street clutching a large plant.

That old hag shuffled faster than most people can run, if there was an Olympic shuffling event that woman would win gold hands down. Walking at a normal pass Bruce starts to come around from his day dream."

"Why have you never introduced Crispin to me before Dizzy?"

"Why honey, Crispin is a creature of the night, he creates at night. His juices flow more freely, now look at you, tanned God who worships the sun, he lives for the night and you live for the day. Plus you were all loved up with the Italian, fetish, freak."

"OK point taken but I asked Crispin out on a date tonight, thought he might open up for me."

"Bruce, anyone would open right up for you, but Rosario knows why Mrs West is blackmailing Crispin"

"I'm still going I really like him"

"Good, I feel like Barbra Streisand in Hello Dolly, glad to fixed you up."

Placed on the breakfast counter in the kitchen was this plant that stunk of cheese. Rosario was baking cookies pretending the past hour had never happened.

"Could you please explain toad" I look at Rosario and then at Bruce who is just staring at the plant with his mouth wide open.

"This plant is a wonderful herb, makes everything taste perfect." Rosario said while placing more cookies into the oven.

Bruce went to speak and Rosario kicks him in the shin.

"I saw that witch, what are you hiding?"

"Nothing its my leg it does that without me asking it to." Her foot then kicks Bruce in the shin again.

"Have a cookie and everything will become clear." Rosario pushes a plate in front of me.

Taking a bite, the taste was just the same as any normal chocolate cookie but with green bits through it.

"Not bad warthog, you're baking is getting better." Looking down I  see that I have eaten the first cookie, one more won't hurt and reach for another one.

"I'm not going to be the only one eating, both of you must join me and have some." Their hands darted out and grabbed a couple of cookies and devoured them within seconds.

"I never noticed before Rosario that in a certain light you could pass as living, and wow look how the light is shining in from the garden. Bruce baby, lovely boy, precious child I hope Crispin is the love of your life like the husband is to me. I do love you both, I don't show it but I do, that is after the husband, the Son and my Sloe Gin..............."

Awaking two hours later, my face was resting on the breakfast bar. As I open my eyes a pair of false teeth are the first site I see, sitting up straight I saw Bruce past out on the kitchen floor and Rosario was past out on the hob.

"Could one of you explain to me what happened?" At my screaming Bruce and Rosario both sat up.

"You have just had some wonderfully strong, beautiful, Weed" Bruce said with a big grin.

"Slap me on my ass and call me Mary, always said that boy had green fingers. Mrs West must have found out and is blackmailing him for a cut."

"How many plants Rosario are we talking about 5 or 6 ?" Bruce asked looking over to Rosario who was still trying to get off the hob.

"40 or 50 same size as that one."

"Bloody hell a right cottage industry he has going on now we need to sort this mess all out. Bruce you take Crispin out for dinner and I know it's against everything you believe in but you need to take him back to your place and he needs to stay there until tomorrow morning."

"I think I can keep that sexy florist entertained for days."Bruce grinned.

"Two more favours Bruce, Rosario will need to borrow your van so she can transport the plants out from the back shop, then away somewhere, like the woods. I have had to much excitement for one day so I will watch Rosario through the telescope. Bruce, Just park in the side street when you go and collect Crispin for your date. Leave the keys in the van and I promise on Rosario's life it will be parked in the same place for you to pick up tomorrow morning. Plus I want you to tell Crispin what I have done, but do not tell him until the morning. He may get angry but tell him I will explain everything. Say something like Dizzy had a tip off the police where sniffing around. I really hope you both got that because I really do think I'm still stoned."

Bruce parked his van around in the side street and walked into the florist. The Ninja deathwatch beetle had jumped into the van and was waiting until I gave the all clear. Sitting on a stool with my eye to the telescope and next to me on a side table was a glass, a bottle of Sloe and a plate of those wonderful cookies. Bruce and Crispin left the Florists and walked down the street, the coast was clear for the burglar to remove the offending Items.

"Ready my Mexican Ninja, load up that van with the plants." I could not see up the side street so all I could do was wait and munch.

 Time moved on and I had run down stairs to fill up on the cookies and another bottle and still no word from the walking dead. I panned around to see if I could notice anything else going on, then I caught site of Bruce and Crispin sitting in the window of Johnny's wine Bar. Looking into each others eyes and holding hands over the table, they looked like a couple falling in love.

"Drunk, stoned, strange boy you still awake?"Said the voice from the walkie talkie.

"What is it, I'm busy watching a love story."

"All loaded, the place is clean and I am going to get rid of the evidence in the woods."

"Good plan Toto, but just keep a couple back so we can plant them in the Orangery." Well, it's a pretty plant and no one will notice a couple of plants dotted about.

The Van came into sight and turned to go down the street, I start screaming down the walkie talkie.

"You stupid witch you are going down the wrong way."

No answer from the Mexican so I watched the van until it went out of sight. What is that gargoyle up too, never trust a housekeeper when they go quiet. That means they are up to no good and my housekeeper enjoys getting into trouble. Starting to get bored I grab the plate and bottle then sat against the wall. My mind starts racing with questions like How did the hippo find out about the weed, and why would Crispin allow her to do that.

A bony hand shakes me awake an hour later.

"Wake up Drunk I'm back and I really don't think you want to miss the action which is about to take place" Rosario said peering over me.

"What have you done Mrs Winkle?"

"Watch strange boy, Watch."

When I got to the telescope the town was dark with nothing happening, then from one corner of the town four fast cars with sirens and lights moved quickly into the town.

"Oh slap me with a Woman's Weekly, what have you done Rosario?"

"WATCH" Screamed Rosario.

I followed the police cars and they sped through the streets right into Mrs Wests Road and straight to her front door. All lights went on in the house, two more police cars turned up and a big police van with two sniffer dogs.

"Tell me now Rosario."

"I placed about 12 plants in and around Mrs West's greenhouse and then gave an anonymous tip off to the police."

Before I could answer her more action caught my eye, first officers where bringing out the plants one by one then Mrs West was escorted in handcuffs down her path and into a waiting car.

"You clever little vixen, you have turned the tables, I think a bit of wee has just come out. What did you do with the rest?"

"Couple for us I have a lovely spot behind the summerhouse and the rest are safely behind Bruce's car wash." She stood in front of me with the biggest grin, pleased as punch that round 2 defiantly went to Rosario.

I phoned Bruce to let him know of developments and that we hoped the two of them have a good night.

Just before putting down the phone I noticed the video flashing saying I had one unseen video. Cannot remember taking a video so I switch it on.

The picture was shaky to start with, but then you saw Rosario standing in the kitchen. Two voices came from behind the phone, one mine the other Bruce.

"OK you wonderful lovely woman , show us something we don't already know about you" I said.

"All right, ready...."

Rosario brought her hand to her mouth then removed her teeth and placed them on the table.

"For Fuck sake Rosario that's gross" I scream

"Gay men dream of someone with no teeth, we should call you Sucker Winkle." Bruce then just burst into laughter and the video cut out.

Until next time keep safe and remember if an old relative is annoying you, bake some special cookies and then watch the fun.


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Up the Gay Revolution x