Madame Rosario the Mystic Part 4

      I had positioned myself at the beer tent so I could watch who was going in to have their reading done next. The line of people snaked through the fete, the old witch is going to be knackered after all this. Standing outside the tent was "I'm not Gay" Queenie, who was wearing some second hand wizards costume from the Harry Potter set. By the looks of it, it must have been a third rate wizard. On his feet were his normal Turkish slippers, curled up at the end. He was there to direct the punters into seeing  Madame Rosario. Inside the tent which was dark with only a few candles dotted about was a table covered in a deep purple velvet cloth. On top to the cloth was a large crystal ball. Three chairs are around the table, one on one side for Madame Rosario and the other two for her victims. Time to test out this system and see how good it is.

"Calling 'Gate way to Hell' can you hear me?" I knew Rosario was inside the tent.

"SSSHHHH, I'm calling my spirits, shut up strange boy." Madame Rosario answers back, I now knew the technology was working fine.

"Time for the first customers, the Van Da Cock twins, shout  Queenie to let them in and let the show begin."

"Queenie let the Belgium toads in." The third rate wizard parted the curtains and beckoned the twins to enter. I sat on the grass next to the beer tent to listened to Madame Rosario work her magic.

"Sit twins from Belgium." Madame Rosario said.

"This is going to be a load of utter rubbish, I really don't know why we bothered Mathieu." Cedric screwed up his face, like he has smelt a whiff from the sewage works. Madame Rosario stretched out her arm and puts her hand with her palm facing up on the table.

"This is when we are meant to pass her palm with silver" Mathieu was excited by now.

"Sorry haven't you heard of inflation, only take notes but I do have here a credit card machine if you wanted to pay by card. Pay up Tweedle Dum, Now." Cedric passed over the notes and Madame Rosario made the money disappear in front of their eyes.

"Cedric, 'Shirley' yes I said 'Shirley' your secret will come out, and you Mathieu Baby." She just stopped and stared at both. The twin came rushing out of that tent white as a sheet and I really have not got a clue what the old witch said to them.

"Bitch, what was all that about, could not understand a word."

"Don't worry strange boy I will tell you their secret later, who is next?" Rosario asked with excitement in her voice.

"Bishop's wife, The Bishop has just been arguing with her and has stormed off, and is now propping up the bar behind me in this tent."

The same routine happened from Queenie opening the curtain to Madame Rosario offering different ways to pay.

"My husband is very against it, says its all a load of rubbish." Mrs. Bishop said in her posh schoolgirl voice.

"Let me look and see what the spirits show me........................ I am starting to see something..............Flowers........ Loads of flowers, I see a floral bedspread, wallpaper, carpet and curtains even cushions........HOLD ON." Rosario stands and her chair falls back onto the grass.

"My spirit guide wants to talk to me......Tracy.......Tracy Wigwam........Talk to me........Yes......I see.......Oh no.........Slap.........Tickle."

" What is Tracy Wigwam saying Madame Rosario?" Mrs. Bishop was now on her feet clasping her hands, ready to pray down on her knees at any moment if asked to do.

"Tracy Wigwam, Thank you, kind soul, I will pass the spirits message on." By this time the Bishop's wife was wetting herself.

"The spirits are very unhappy with you, they have to wear sunglasses when visiting your home. You have Bad, nasty taste woman, please at least change that floral wallpaper in your bedroom." Rosario picked up her chair and sat back down.

"It's my husbands fault we have to always have to have cast offs or second hand because he always gives 80 bloody % of his salary to charity." Mrs. Bishop was by now red in the face.

"Your time is up, get out you tasteless trout. But one thing before you go, second drawer down is a good place to store edible undies. NOW GET OUT" The Bishop's wife raced out of the tent and started to hunt for her husband.

People came in and out at a fast speed. Some with happy faces but most with shock, even a couple of ladies from the committee came screaming and crying out from the tent. Madame Rosario was brilliant, I really did not have a clue most of the time what she was going on about. The money was racking up then next in the queue was Mrs. West. The Hippo was going to see what all the fuss was about and demanded to be seen next.

"Let the Hippo in." Came the haunting voice from inside the tent. Mrs. West pushed Queenie to the ground and charged in.

Once inside Madame Rosario was standing with her arms stretched out and muttering. The muttering got louder and louder until every candle in the tent went out and all Mrs. West could see was Madame Rosario's Face.

"I see a Queen, her reign has been long but cruel." Madame Rosario said in a trans like state.

"What a load of rubbish, you Mexican immigrant " Mrs. West had steam coming out from her ears.

"And here comes the chopper to chop off her head and born is a new Queen with beauty and grace who will reign long and happy after the old Queen's.......... DEATH." Mrs. West nearly blew up and was seen striding  away from the tent shouting

"Rubbish, that woman is totally mad, just like the pervert she works for."

"Judges for the 'Jam of the Year' competition please make there way to the Judging tent. Thank you." The voice announced over the loud speaker.

"Madame Rosario, you are fab and thanks for what you said to the hippo. Won't forget that, now got to go and judge, see you in about thirty minutes."

"If you do what I told you then I will see you in a couple of hours." Rosario piped up and I could hear smirking coming from inside the tent.

I left Madame Rosario happy in her tent, Queenie loved his role and the people were still snaking around in a line to hear the Mystic's words. How fab, time for scone's and Jam, the only problems were the other judges, The Bishop and The Van Da Cock twins.

To be continued.................

Madame Rosario the Mystic Part 3

      By 11am the fete was already busy with people down early to pick off the cake stand and all the good plants. The general pubic were walking around the tents with livestock, flowers and of course the 'Jam of the Year' tent where judging will take place at 4.30pm. 

The fastest pole climber was the first event and what a sight to see, queueing along with the tall hunky farm hands and Bruce's boys from the car wash, was Rosario. Each was paired off; the first to the top went through to the next round. 

Round 1

For some strange reason the guy pulled out, so Rosario marched on to the next victim. 

Round 2 

This next guy starts vomiting just before they fired the gun. He pulled out so Rosario got through to the semi finals.

 Round 3

Geoffrey from Bruce's car wash, strapping lad, put one hand on the pole and started getting cramps in his hands, legs, toes and so he then had to pull out. Rosario had won her way through to the finals without lifting her bony body onto the pole.

 Round 4

 Rosario is on the left pole and Bruce on the right, both poles are 36 feet high with metal steps for you to climb with your hands and feet. By now a large crowd had gathered to see what the old witch would do to poor Bruce. I heard one woman tell another that a bolt of lighting will hit Bruce if he touches that pole.

"Right, who will take a wager, a crate of Sloe Gin that my rodent Housekeeper will beat that sexy, spunky, Ozzie in those tight denim shorts." I shouted loud and clear, and one high-pitched voice came back

"I'll take your bet, Bruce has always been able to shoot up a pole." Screamed back Cedric Van Da Cock one of the hideous twins from Belgium.

"Crispin informs me that Bruce prefers to slide down on a tall pole." Everyone around us starts to laugh and the Van Da Cock twins move a little more to the rear of the crowd. 

"Are you ready, steady"         BANG      and the little ferret was gone, straight up that pole like a rocket was stuck up her arse. Bruce had just got over half way when Rosario rung the bell at the top.

"Just tell Marco to add an extra case of Sloe Gin to my order for Friday and to invoice you, thanks girls.” I tap on Cedric's shoulder as I pass them.

It was a dash to get up to the dog show, oh this was going to be fun. Fanny had asked if she could show my Mexican Chi Wawa, so I could not refuse. Fanny was waiting for us at the tent entrance.

"So where is the dog?" Fanny enquired.

"Right here, Rosario when you get in the ring get on all fours and when the judge comes up growl and show those teeth like mad."

"You are totally mad Dizzy, I will only do it for a couple of those cookies."

"Deal, Rosario give her a couple of cookies and get in that ring Fanny and show off my Satan's Whore."

As they stood waiting, well Satan's Whore was on all fours, the general public watching were in fits of laughter and when the judge came to Fanny and Rosario the tent erupted with applause and then laughter as Satan's Whore growled and dazzled everyone with her teeth, scaring the judge. He then took one final look at all the mongrels and by now the audience was chanting "Satan's Whore, Satan's Whore" over and over. The judge raised his hand for everyone to stop so he could speak. 

"First place goes to the most ugliest and hideous Bitch I have ever seen." The roar from the tent was amazing even before he went up to Fanny the long way, just to avoid Rosario and her teeth. The judge pins the rosette on her to loud cheers. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the disgust on Mrs. West and the Van Da Cock twins faces. In their eyes we are taking the right royal piss out of their fete and if they had their evil way, they would force me out of their precious town.

We had an hour to kill while Rosario changed for the role of Madame Rosario the Mystic so I started to wander around the stalls. As I was taking a gander at all the rubbish from people’s homes, the White Elephant stall, Mrs. Bishop grabs hold of my arm.

"Disnarc, it's so lovely to see you and I hear you are the Guest Judge. My husband is so looking forward to tasting the jam with you." I bet the kinky bugger wants to lick it off me, was my first thoughts in my brain, but I just smiled sweetly at her.

"Disnarc, I need your help as it is our 30 wedding anniversary next week and I really don't know what to buy my husband, any suggestions?" The woman looks at me with pleading eyes.

"I found just the thing a moment ago,” I turn around and start rummaging through the stall. I pick up a ping-pong set and hand it to her.

"Madame Rosario will be giving readings in 15 minutes." Came the voice over the loud speaker.

"Need to dash, but one more thing." I take back the ping-pong ball

"You will not be needing this.” I rush off to put my earpiece in to be ready for 'Madame Rosario the Mystic'. Leaving the poor Bishop's wife standing looking at the two ping-pong bats.

To be continued............. 

Madame Rosario the Mystic Part 2

      With all the rushing around, arranging everything for the fete, I had forgotten it was a Friday night when Marco popped his Roman face around the kitchen door. Marco is the wine Merchant, who as we have found out likes a bit of slap and tickle, less of the tickle and more of slaps. Marco looked Italian, his Black hair to his Roman nose, his designer clothes and brown eyes that undress you. His temper has always let him down and his lack of keeping and being loyal to a steady boyfriend. The last boyfriend had been Bruce and we all know that little story (Rosario Private Dick). So I was quite taken back to see him.

"Marco darling, is it 10pm already, we have been so busy organising the Madame Rosario’s tent."

"It's actually 10.30pm Dizzy, I thought you might like to try this South African wine and tell me what you think tomorrow." Marco placed the bottle on the breakfast bar and started shuffling like he wanted to hang around.

 "Blurt it out, come on remember everyone has seen your U Tube debut, so nothing shocks me." I open the bottle and pick two glasses, then pouring the South African wine Marco had just brought.

"Sit, what's on your mind Marco?"

"It's Rosario" Marco said quiet nervously.

"What has that vermin been up to now?" Taking a gulp of the wine, I can never tell if its good or bad wine, it never hangs about long enough when I chuck liquid down my throat. 

"Well, when I was coming up here with your normal order, I passed the grounds, where the fete is going to be tomorrow and Rosario was there."

"Nothing I don't already know, she left here muttering something about checking on her jam and going to sort Mrs. West out for good."

"No, it was what she was doing." Marco looked quite alarmed.

By this time I was moist thinking what that little rodent was up.

"Spit it out you slapping freak, I'm ageing fast." Pouring another glass and swigging it right back.

"Rosario was walking around the edge of the grounds backwards, carrying a dead chicken under one arm and a wooden doll in her other hand. She was chanting something but could not catch it."

"Don't worry honey she is doing her voodoo rubbish again, only get worried if you catch her on your Birthday at dawn, naked in a field with a newly slaughtered chicken under her arm, running around chanting your name. By sunset you will be dead, this wine is lovely, put a couple of cases on the order for next week."

"She really does scare me Dizzy." Marco looked at me with his big brown eyes.

"Enough about the walking dead, now tell me, did you ever find out who put the U Tube video up?" I know what you are thinking but please the slapping freak is right in front of me, I had to ask.

"No, but I am so glad my 'friend' was not found, but we have stopped our fun for a bit." Marco was starting to open up.

"I only looked at it as a shocked and concerned friend, it was just a shame you and Bruce broke up. Your 'friend' must be quite important for you to keep his identity from anyone. I will tell you this Marco, never mess with married men it always ends in tears. Have you ever meet a bisexual guy who cheats on his live in boyfriend with a girl. It’s always the bisexual guy cheats on his girlfriend with another guy. They never leave their wives."

"I know Dizzy, I want happiness but just can't help myself, quite enjoy all the running around, secret meetings, married men are hot."

"How many do you have Marco?" I look at him in horror, plus wouldn't it be fun tracking Marco to find out who it is.

"6, not counting my special 'friend', it was 9 last year but 2 moved away." Marco said proudly.

"Shame the other 2 left you could have got them all together and had one hell of a slapping party." Trying not to look gob smacked 7 married men running around the town with Marco, this place is getting worse. I pray to the Great lesbian God in the sky one of them is Mrs. West’s husband.

"They are not all into CP, only my friend bi..." Marco stopped short of spilling the beans, but that didn't matter we all knew who it was anyway.

Rosario bursts through the back door holding a dead chicken and a wooden doll that looks just like Mrs. West.

"My path is now clear for me to win the 'Jam of the Year' look out bigot, I'm coming to get you." Rosario slapped the dead chicken right on the breakfast bar on a chopping board in front of Marc, who stands up and announces.

"I'm off, see you tomorrow Dizzy and good luck Rosario." Marco was now near the back door, Rosario looks up to him, grabs a large knife and takes the head of the chicken off in one chop.

"I don't need luck freak, Hahahaha" Marco was out the back door and down my back passage even before she started to laugh.

"Get a fucking grip Medusa, it's only a fete, and we both know you will win the fastest pole climber but the 'Jam of the Year' will be hard even for me to help you on that."

"Just make sure they taste Mrs. West's jam first then make sure you give them 5 minutes before tasting the other 4 jams making mine the last." Her head was down and she was plucking that bird faster than a machine could do.

 "What are you up to?" I was really puzzled.

"Just do as I say drunk poof and it will come clear in the tent." Now she had her hand right up the bird and at that point I said goodnight and left her to it.

To be continued..........

Madame Rosario the Mystic Part 1

     

      Late each summer brings the town’s fete with stalls, games, tents with flowers, livestock, dog show and the 'Jam of the year' competition. This year I wanted to bring something to the fete, so I asked a couple of the girls on the committee around for cake and coffee, to discuss mine and Rosario's participation in the up coming event. Since Rosario started as my housekeeper, I spend some of the day sitting on a stool in the kitchen watching Rosario cooking. Another change was the amount of people coming and going from this room each day, so to have Fiji, Sadie and Fanny over, the best place was the kitchen. Rosario is standing on a stool with her head, shoulders and arms in her massive pot as the three girls tumble into the kitchen laughing.

"What’s is so funny girls?" I enquire sitting on my normal stool.

"You have to take that sign down Dizzy, it's so obscene." Fanny announced and burst into laughter again.

" Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with it." Smirking as I take a sip of my drink.

All deliveries please go through my rear entrance and then up my back passage. Thanks, Love Dizzy x. 

"Mother is not going to be pleased with you when she hears about this one Dizzy." Sadie said grabbing one of my cookies and not a slice of the coffee surprise cake Rosario had made. It looked like a coffee cake and smelt like a coffee cake, but one bite and the heat hit you. 'Surprise' the witch puts chilies through it; well the old dragon puts Chilies in everything.

"Changing the subject quick, have you thought what you would like to do for the fete Dizzy?" Fanny asked with her note pad ready to take down anything important.

"I have discussed with my housekeeper and we have ordered an old fashioned fortunetellers tent. Madame Rosario the Mystic will be giving readings for a small cost, inside said tent."

"Dizzy, that is a wonderful idea, thank you so much, people are going to love getting their fortune told. " Sadie said clapping her hands, the same way Gay man clap their hands in excitement.

"There is more, I want to enter the dog show."

"Just need the breed and pet name." Fanny looked up from the note pad, waiting for a reply.

"Mexican Chiwawa, and her pet name is 'Satan's Whore,' plus I want to enter the Creature into the fastest pole climber." Three faces just looked at me in amazement.

"Dizzy the fortuneteller is a great idea, but you cannot be serious about entering poor Rosario in the pole climbing, Bruce has won that the last four years." Fiji was still gob smacked but slowly started to see what a laugh it would be.

A noise came from the corner where Rosario,  still had her head in the massive pot.

"Did you wheeze lizard breath, can't hear you, get out of the pot first, and then speak." Rosario climbed out of the pot and put her large wooden spoon covered in jam down.

"You can enter me into the 'Jam of the Year' competition?" Said Rosario.

Silence

Complete Silence

"What did I say?" By now Rosario was standing with her hands on her hips, ready to do battle with anyone who thought it was a bad idea. Taking a large swig of Sloe I address my poisonous OAP.

 "Mrs. West has won the 'Jam of the Year' competition for the last 25 years, the Van Da Cock twins are on the judging panel along with the Bishop and one invited guest judge, who always is a close friend of Mrs. West. NO chance of getting that first prize rosette or cup, sorry mutant." Picking up a cookie, then closing my mouth around it.

"Just remember you four slag’s I'm Madame Rosario the Mystic, and I tell you this, last year was her last at winning." She growls and waves the jam-covered wooden spoon in the direction of us all, then climbs back on the stool and leans over the massive pot and starts to stir and mutter under her breath.

"That's another thing Dizzy we want to ask you, as Mrs. West had to resign from the committee after she was arrested but later all charges dropped. The committee had to come up with a Guest Judge and we were wondering if you would consider being the Guest Judge." Sadie asked quite nervously.

"Camp old screamer like me judging the 'Jam of the Year' comp, oh yes please and can I give the rosette and cup to the winner?" Now it was my turn to be clapping like a Gay man.

"Yes, of course we would be honored, you raised more money in one event Dizzy than most raise in a year." Fanny was now joining in on the clapping.

'BANG' was the noise of the wooden spoon hitting the side of the pot, we all stopped clapping and look towards Rosario.

"Never mess with Madame Rosario the Mystic, already my path is becoming clear for me to win." Rosario said menacingly and chuckles, her wandering eye darting from face to face.

"Go boil your head you old goat, I may not think your jam is up to standard, as I'm the Guest Judge."

"Dizzy, we better go and let the other members know you said yes." Fanny said as she stood up to put her coat on and the three girls air kissed me over the breakfast bar and each grabbed a crafty  cookie on their way out.

      What the girls did not know was the plan we had been hatching for sometime now. Rosario will be in the tent with a special earpiece and hidden in the tent will be a microphone to pick up every word. I will be outside the tent wearing an earpiece as well to hear everything, and a speaker to direct Madame Rosario the Mystic on what to say to her victim.  We had gone through some lengths to acquire this piece of technology; mine had to look just like a modern hands free phone so no one will suspect silly Disnarc talking on the phone. I could see in Rosario's wandering eye that fire was in her heart and probably in the jam as well, and now I was guest judge, nothing stood in our way to have some fabulous camp fun down at the fete.

To be continued.......... 

Rosario and the Jewel Thief Part 5

     Not getting a wink of sleep all night, I was up and dressed when the Rodent creeped into my suite. Her face was priceless seeing me dressed and looking extremely attractive in a linen suit with an open neck white silk shirt.

"Morning dog breath, can see you are still living." As I walk from the bathroom into the lounge area.

"Do you want the latest update or not?" Rosario stood with her hands on her hips, that could only mean juicy news.

"OK, spill quick before I get bored and start plucking your eyebrows."

"Your Mother is going ahead with the wedding, Bruce, Crispin and the two giggling girls have been up all night creating a floral masterpiece on the beach. Oh and Inspector Marc is already back and he is drinking coffee and talking to people as they pass by the pool."

"I think if I asked you what colour everyones underwear was, you would tell me." Rosario went to answer but I raised my hand to stop her.

"I have to do something strange boy, so to miss Hans and your Mother, go down through the gardens and onto the beach. Then you can chat to your sister and then walk up to the Inspector to pick his brains."

"Honey if I had five minutes with that Inspector it will be more than his brains that I would be picking." Rosario just tutted and left through the door, while I grabbed my man bag and sun glasses and headed out of the french doors, down through the gardens onto the sandy beach.

"Wish one of you had told me your were having a little party down here last night." Shouting as I walked over to the group.

"Sorry Dizzy, we thought from your exit from the Drawing room last night that you were unwell." Sadie piped up.

"The only thing making me sick is our dear Mother." Everyone knew not to say a word, all of them in the past have defended my Mother and all of them have had my tongue whip lash them until they bled.

"Dizzy, we know the six of us and we include Rosario as well, didn't do it so who. My money is on the Bishop." Fiji stood proud as punch, she may have got it right.

"Sorry everyone something has just gone through my brain, Thank you Fiji you may have helped. Must speak to the Sexy Inspector" and started walking back to the villa via the pool.

"Watch him Dizzy, he is really quite taken with you." Bruce shouted, I raised my arm in the air and waved but carried on walking.

Before getting to the pool I ducked behind a palm tree for a couple of swigs and a few cookies. Flirting for me is easy, but with every cock teaser, I freak if anyone responds and runs a mile. I compose myself and walk around the tree and along the pools edge.

"Disnarc, it's so lovely to see you this morning, I hope you are feeling better?" Inspector Marc said, standing blocking my way to the villa.

"Sorry Inspec, I was miles away, trying to find my housekeeper. Feeling on top of the world and with a clever man like you around the diamonds will be back in no time."

"I have just seen Rosario at the front entrance, she said she was waiting for someone, but I need to talk to you, if you don't mind?" Inspector Marc takes my hand in his and looks into my eyes. Oh fuck I think a Count moment may be coming.

"Please be careful, the thief may strike again with all the guests for the wedding and this time someone may disturb them and something dreadful might happen." I start to tap his hand with my other hand.

"Don't worry Inspec, I have a rabid dog that will not allow anyone to touch me, without my say so. I would feel even more safe if you sat in the front at the wedding?" While we were speaking I moved us around so I was on the side of the villa.

"Got to dash, keep up the good work, must find that bloody leech." And with that statement I rushed into the villa leaving the Inspector standing by the pool.

Walking into the drawing room still on the hunt for Rosario, my Mother is talking with Hans and the man who was talking with the Bishop on the first night.

"Dizzy, come over here and meet His Lord Bishop of these Islands, he has kindly agreed to marry Hans and I." Mother was already dressed and ready to march down the aisle.

"Thought the wedding was not till noon?" I enquire moving towards the group.

"Hans is so excited that he phoned the Bishop last night, so we can have a small wedding now and when the rest of the guests arrive we can party."

"So lovely to meet you Master Disnarc." The Bishop said holding out his hand to shake mine.

"What a distinctive voice you have Bishop and wow the size of your hands are like paddles." I smile at the Bishop who has not got a clue. One mystery solved, our Bishop was not doing private prayer. He was on his hands and knees but on a spanking trip through the rocks with the other Bishop. They do say Birds of a feather flock together. Kinky Bastards.

"Mother I will be back in five minutes promise, must first find Rosario." I leave the room and headed for the front entrance. What greeted my eyes at the entrance of the villa was Rosario with Mr Perry Winkle.

"What the fuck is that old convict doing here Housekeeper?"

"Strange boy Mr Winkle has flown over, you must listen." Rosario was trying to make me listen.

"I have not got time for your morbid death pack the two of you might have. I have another old goat to give away, talk to me later and I minced back to the Drawing room.

Standing alone in the room was my Mother, waiting on me to give her away one more time.

"Dizzy I am so sorry but Hans wants everything so quick."

"Mother, why another young man, what's wrong with older guys"

"They make me feel young and it means I'm not alone, I'm getting old Dizzy?"

"Honey you look forty, with all those lifts and Botox if you fell over your face would crack the tiles."

"You are strange Dizzy, let's go." Mother slips her hand through my arm and we start walking. My mind begins to work overtime.

"TILES" I shout as we reached the beach.

"Mother, you can't marry Hans" I stop dead just before we reach Hans and the Bishop.

"Don't be silly Dizzy." Mother started to have a worried look over her face.

From the Villa screaming on top of her voice and shuffling with Mr Winkle beside her came Rosario.

"STOP, STRANGE BOYS MOTHER, STOP."

Rosario reach us panting like a dog.

"Hans"was all Rosario could say still panting and Mr Winkle spoke.

"Morning Jimmy when did you get out of the Scrubs?"

"Who is this old man and who is Jimmy?" My mother looked quite flushed by now and we all looked at Mr Winkle.

"That man there is Jimmy Nibbles" and he pointed at Hans and at that moment Inspector Marc moved quickly and quietly behind Him.

"When I got out I was asked to do a passport for Jimmy Nibbles the Jewel Thief. The passport he wanted was Swiss with the name Hans. Passport sorted, I sent it on its way to an address provided."

"Hurry up old man, the sun is rising high in the sky and my Mother could melt at any time." Really I had started to glow and the cookies were wearing off very quick.

"I didn't think anything about it until Rosario mentioned coming over here to meet Hans. I thought it was a coincidence, until Rosario phoned to say Diamonds had been stolen and she had sent photo's of everyone but Hans and I jumped on a plane to make sure I wasn't mistaken."

Inspector Marc grabs hold of Jimmy.

"Jimmy Nibbles you are arrested." That was so camp, but with a bit of butch thrown in, Inspector Marc then leads him away.

"Where are my Diamonds?" Mother screams and then sobs.

"OH that's easy Mother, I was trying to tell you before Mr and Mrs Winkle rudely interrupted me. It was the wet tiles the maid slipped on. The only person to get wet that afternoon was Hans/Jimmy, when the maid came running out we all forgot about the last twenty minutes and to us all Hans/Jimmy was always around and even catching Mother fainting when the news broke. We all saw him swimming but he swam past the rocks, around the corner to the rear section of the villa and entered the maids corridor. He was wet so that is how the tiles got wet. When he swam back, I thought it was strange he was going slow, but we could not see he was pulling the loot. He started Diving which I thought was just him showing off, but think if you look just over there in the waters you will find the lost treasure of Atlantis. Mutant Munchkin, swim out and get the loot please." Rosario shuffles off into the water and before long is dragging the weighted bag onto the beach.

"How did you know it would still be there Dizzy?" Bruce said, who was now holding Mother, who was feeling faint.

"He never had time to collect it, after the Inspector inspected us last night, Jimmy was stuck with Mother and then you four went onto the Beach to decorate for today.  Which I would like to say looks bloody Fabulous, bravo Crispin, shame it's going to waste. You would have seen and heard him in the waters at 3am. I really do amaze myself."

On the flight home I felt happy that for once we didn't end up going to one of my Mother's weddings. I am in such a good mood I have sent down two packets of cashew nuts to second class. Mr Winkle is travelling back to the UK with us.

Until next time keep safe and remember save time on washing clothes for an old person, shower them dressed and make them stand outside until they are dry.

Up the Gay Revolution x

                                                                                       

                                  

Rosario and The Jewel Thief Part 4

     Moist is not really the word to describe how I am feeling right now. I'm dripping with excitement, quick, get a plastic sheet and put it under me. I have not been this excited since I got stuck in a lift with seven Tom Daley lookalikes, whom were all entered into a Tom Daley lookalike competition. Well, the lift got hotter and hotter, sweat dripping down smooth chests, all seven were only wearing tight Speedo's. I felt over dressed in shirt and jeans and the lovely boys helped me undress so I was just in my Designer boxers, the only reason of course was to cool down. Best 4 hours of my life, what that Polish Tom Daley could do in tight corners was amazing.
 We were all gathered in the Drawing room waiting on the Inspector to finish talking to all the staff including Rosario in the kitchen. Mother is sitting on one sofa with Hans and Sadie either side holding each hand, Mother the drama Queen is whimpering and staring into space. On the opposite sofa was Dutch and her husband Willy with Fiji. The Bishop is standing by the fireplace looking very shifty and nervous with the Bishop's wife standing in the far corner talking to Bruce and Crispin. Rosario enters with a tray of drinks for everyone.

"It was that Mexican Whore that stole My Diamonds." My Mother just stood up and pointed straight at Rosario.

"Hold on one minute you over Botoxed Bitch, don't you dare accuse a loyal, caring, loving and devoted member of my staff."

"I would not be surprised if you had something to do with this Dizzy, you do get bored very easily, you old Queen." Mother was now standing inches from my face.

"Ladies please calm down and sit down." The voice came from a tall slim handsome man standing in the doorway.

"I hope you know who you are addressing boy." Said the Bishop, being very protective of my Mother.

"Yes, My Lord Bishop, I know who everyone is in this Room. We normally want to know when important guests are on our Island. Countess, Duchess, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm Inspector Marc Parks, and your cooperation would be much appreciated. Slanging matches between family members does not help matters." He stares at my Mother.

"It was that Mexican, she stole my diamonds." Mother was up on her feet again.

"Sit down you old trout and if you don't stop accusing Rosario I promise when we find the fucking diamonds I will shove them down your throat so far you will need another Inspector to bloody find them again." My Mother sat straight back down, don't know if she was angry, with so much Botox on her face any emotion is hard to see.

" All the staff including Rosario have been cleared of anything to do with the thief, the Diamonds were stolen between 4.25pm to 4.35pm. Two maids had entered the Master bedroom suite at 4.15pm to prepare for the Countess to bath and dress for dinner. Both maids left to collect new bath towels, both returning back down the  corridor at 4.30pm, when one maid slipped on some wet tiles causing them to return to the kitchen where the rest of the staff were for help. A different maid helped with the towels and entered the room at 4.35pm. The master bedroom had been ransacked and every piece of jewellery seems to have been taken."

"Hold on sexy, too much information for a little brain like mine to take in. You don't mind if my creature from the black lagoon goes and gets my cocktail cigarettes?" I said with a cheeky smile on my face, directing it right at the Inspector.

6 of the best.

"Disnarc, Sir it's an honour to meet you at last, your book on '50 ways to Drink Sloe Gin' is still a best seller here, of course Rosario can go and get the cigarettes for you."

"What can I say Inspec, just bring a copy over and I will sign it with love from me to you. Maggot breath, bring my phone and a bottle as well, shuffle along now." Looking away from the stare of the sexy Inspector to Rosario and when I had finished speaking back to the Inspector, winking at him, causing him to blush.

"Moving on everyone, was anyone not in the area of the beach between the times of 4.15pm to 4.40pm?" The Inspector enquired. By this time Rosario had returned with the cigarettes, phone and bottle. Passing the phone I hand it back to her quietly saying

"Go into the corner and start taking photo's, we might be able to see a guilty face among them."

"Four people were missing from the party." Bruce announced from the corner.

"Continue Bruce if you would not mind." Asked the Inspector Marc.

"Mrs Bishop was not in the group but at the very far end of the beach walking, but we could all see her, but we did not see the Bishop from 2pm, till he walked in from the gardens. Dutch and Willy where out with the Chauffeur and Dizzy and Rosario where next to the rocks from about 4pm onwards and we could see them both." Bishop then looks straight at me and I just look back and smile. Mrs Bishop goes red as a beetroot and steps forward and stands like a little girl about to give a speech at school.

"My husband has private prayer every day from 2.30pm till 4.30pm, and he would not steal the diamonds because he does not need them. For the last 30 bloody years he has given 80% of his monthly salary away to charity." Mrs Bishop, going even more redder now with anger. How dare anyone accuse her husband, and by the sounds of it, she's a little pissed off he's been given all his salary away. At this time I could have mentioned that his Lord Bishop was on the beach, but looking at him at the fireplace, sweat pouring from his face I was enjoying seeing him squirm.

 "Duchess, you and your Husband were off the premises, but I have spoken to the chauffeur who said you arrived back at 4.40pm to hear the maids screaming, so I can rule the two of you out."The Inspector was now pacing the floor.

"Please Inspec, enough of the melodrama. I really do think Inspec that you should hang around because tomorrow my Mother will be getting married to her Swiss lover on the beach, all I need to do is give the old crow away, then I will be free as a bird for you to integrate me." By this time three quarters of the bottle had made its way down my throat.

"Rosario, I think I may have had too much Sun and could pass out at any moment, please take me to my rooms, if that's OK with the Inspector?" Fuck I'm a good actress.

"Of course Sir, if I need to speak to you......." I interrupt him,

"Just knock on my bedroom suite, I will make myself 100% available for you." Rosario puts an arm around my waist and mutters, "Slut" under her breath and we start walking to the door.

"I still say that witch done it." My Mother pointed her long finger at Rosario. Without looking back I answered her,

"When you die Mother Dearest we will need an industrial oven to cremate your body. We will need some bloody hot heat to melt all that plastic." Dutch and Sadie burst into laughter as we leave the room.

Walking down the corridor Rosario turns and asks 

"So strange boy who did it and you can now drop the act of having to much sun, we are clear of everyone."

"You can beat me senseless with the Bishop's paddle, I really have not got a clue. Tomorrow at the wedding, with all the guests and Jewellery   on show, the thief may try his or hers luck and strike again. It's a queer one old girl but a good night sleep might help me jog my memory, I'm missing something, its like something on the tip of my tongue."

"Normally Sloe Gin, creme eggs, cookies or a cock is on the tip of that tongue."

"I will pretend I did not hear that, Goodnight and wake me at 8."

"Haha, you up in the morning, I just can't wait." Rosario shuffled off down the corridor, leaving me with my thoughts.

Lying in bed nibbling on some cookies and sipping a glass of Sloe I try and think back to the events of that day. Annoying part was, I was passed out cold until 3pm so what went on before will never be known. Tomorrow is going to be boring with the wedding at noon, this villa is going to be crazy from first light. Something about today was not right but could not put my finger on it, sleep will help or another glass of Sloe and one more cookie might do the trick as well.

To be continued...........