By
11am the fete was already busy with people down early to pick off the cake
stand and all the good plants. The general pubic were walking around
the tents with livestock, flowers and of course the 'Jam of the Year'
tent where judging will take place at 4.30pm.
The fastest pole climber was the first event
and what a sight to see, queueing along with the tall hunky farm hands and
Bruce's boys from the car wash, was Rosario. Each was paired off; the first to
the top went through to the next round.
Round 1
For some strange reason the guy pulled out, so
Rosario marched on to the next victim.
Round 2
This next guy starts vomiting just before
they fired the gun. He pulled out so Rosario got through to the semi finals.
Round 3
Geoffrey from Bruce's car wash, strapping lad,
put one hand on the pole and started getting cramps in his hands, legs, toes and
so he then had to pull out. Rosario had won her way through to the finals without lifting
her bony body onto the pole.
Round 4
Rosario is on the left pole and Bruce on
the right, both poles are 36 feet high with metal steps for you to climb with
your hands and feet. By now a large crowd had gathered to see what the old
witch would do to poor Bruce. I heard one woman tell another that a bolt of lighting
will hit Bruce if he touches that pole.
"Right, who will take a wager, a crate of Sloe
Gin that my rodent Housekeeper will beat that sexy, spunky, Ozzie in those
tight denim shorts." I shouted loud and clear, and one high-pitched voice
came back
"I'll take your bet, Bruce has always
been able to shoot up a pole." Screamed back Cedric Van Da Cock one of the
hideous twins from Belgium.
"Crispin informs me that Bruce prefers
to slide down on a tall pole." Everyone around us starts to laugh and the
Van Da Cock twins move a little more to the rear of the crowd.
"Are you ready, steady"
BANG and the little ferret was
gone, straight up that pole like a rocket was stuck up her arse. Bruce had just
got over half way when Rosario rung the bell at the top.
"Just tell Marco to add an extra case of
Sloe Gin to my order for Friday and to invoice you, thanks girls.” I tap on
Cedric's shoulder as I pass them.
It was a dash to get up to the dog show, oh
this was going to be fun. Fanny had asked if she could show my Mexican Chi Wawa,
so I could not refuse. Fanny was waiting for us at the tent entrance.
"So where is the dog?" Fanny
enquired.
"Right here, Rosario when you get in the
ring get on all fours and when the judge comes up growl and show those teeth
like mad."
"You are totally mad Dizzy, I will only
do it for a couple of those cookies."
"Deal, Rosario give her a couple of
cookies and get in that ring Fanny and show off my Satan's Whore."
As they stood waiting, well Satan's Whore was
on all fours, the general public watching were in fits of laughter and when the
judge came to Fanny and Rosario the tent erupted with applause and then laughter as
Satan's Whore growled and dazzled everyone with her teeth, scaring the judge. He
then took one final look at all the mongrels and by now the audience was
chanting "Satan's Whore, Satan's Whore" over and over. The judge
raised his hand for everyone to stop so he could speak.
"First place goes to the most ugliest
and hideous Bitch I have ever seen." The roar from the tent was amazing
even before he went up to Fanny the long way, just to avoid Rosario and her
teeth. The judge pins the rosette on her to loud cheers. Out of the corner of
my eye I could see the disgust on Mrs. West and the Van Da Cock twins faces. In
their eyes we are taking the right royal piss out of their fete and if they had
their evil way, they would force me out of their precious town.
We had an hour to kill while Rosario changed
for the role of Madame Rosario the Mystic so I started to wander around the
stalls. As I was taking a gander at all the rubbish from people’s homes, the
White Elephant stall, Mrs. Bishop grabs hold of my arm.
"Disnarc, it's so lovely to see you and
I hear you are the Guest Judge. My husband is so looking forward to tasting the
jam with you." I bet the kinky bugger wants to lick it off me, was my first
thoughts in my brain, but I just smiled sweetly at her.
"Disnarc, I need your help as it is our
30 wedding anniversary next week and I really don't know what to buy my
husband, any suggestions?" The woman looks at me with pleading eyes.
"I found just the thing a moment ago,” I
turn around and start rummaging through the stall. I pick up a ping-pong set and hand it to her.
"Madame Rosario will be giving
readings in 15 minutes." Came the voice over the loud speaker.
"Need to dash, but one more thing."
I take back the ping-pong ball
"You will not be needing this.” I rush
off to put my earpiece in to be ready for 'Madame Rosario the Mystic'. Leaving
the poor Bishop's wife standing looking at the two ping-pong bats.
To be
continued.............
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