Madame Rosario the Mystic Part 4

      I had positioned myself at the beer tent so I could watch who was going in to have their reading done next. The line of people snaked through the fete, the old witch is going to be knackered after all this. Standing outside the tent was "I'm not Gay" Queenie, who was wearing some second hand wizards costume from the Harry Potter set. By the looks of it, it must have been a third rate wizard. On his feet were his normal Turkish slippers, curled up at the end. He was there to direct the punters into seeing  Madame Rosario. Inside the tent which was dark with only a few candles dotted about was a table covered in a deep purple velvet cloth. On top to the cloth was a large crystal ball. Three chairs are around the table, one on one side for Madame Rosario and the other two for her victims. Time to test out this system and see how good it is.

"Calling 'Gate way to Hell' can you hear me?" I knew Rosario was inside the tent.

"SSSHHHH, I'm calling my spirits, shut up strange boy." Madame Rosario answers back, I now knew the technology was working fine.

"Time for the first customers, the Van Da Cock twins, shout  Queenie to let them in and let the show begin."

"Queenie let the Belgium toads in." The third rate wizard parted the curtains and beckoned the twins to enter. I sat on the grass next to the beer tent to listened to Madame Rosario work her magic.

"Sit twins from Belgium." Madame Rosario said.

"This is going to be a load of utter rubbish, I really don't know why we bothered Mathieu." Cedric screwed up his face, like he has smelt a whiff from the sewage works. Madame Rosario stretched out her arm and puts her hand with her palm facing up on the table.

"This is when we are meant to pass her palm with silver" Mathieu was excited by now.

"Sorry haven't you heard of inflation, only take notes but I do have here a credit card machine if you wanted to pay by card. Pay up Tweedle Dum, Now." Cedric passed over the notes and Madame Rosario made the money disappear in front of their eyes.

"Cedric, 'Shirley' yes I said 'Shirley' your secret will come out, and you Mathieu Baby." She just stopped and stared at both. The twin came rushing out of that tent white as a sheet and I really have not got a clue what the old witch said to them.

"Bitch, what was all that about, could not understand a word."

"Don't worry strange boy I will tell you their secret later, who is next?" Rosario asked with excitement in her voice.

"Bishop's wife, The Bishop has just been arguing with her and has stormed off, and is now propping up the bar behind me in this tent."

The same routine happened from Queenie opening the curtain to Madame Rosario offering different ways to pay.

"My husband is very against it, says its all a load of rubbish." Mrs. Bishop said in her posh schoolgirl voice.

"Let me look and see what the spirits show me........................ I am starting to see something..............Flowers........ Loads of flowers, I see a floral bedspread, wallpaper, carpet and curtains even cushions........HOLD ON." Rosario stands and her chair falls back onto the grass.

"My spirit guide wants to talk to me......Tracy.......Tracy Wigwam........Talk to me........Yes......I see.......Oh no.........Slap.........Tickle."

" What is Tracy Wigwam saying Madame Rosario?" Mrs. Bishop was now on her feet clasping her hands, ready to pray down on her knees at any moment if asked to do.

"Tracy Wigwam, Thank you, kind soul, I will pass the spirits message on." By this time the Bishop's wife was wetting herself.

"The spirits are very unhappy with you, they have to wear sunglasses when visiting your home. You have Bad, nasty taste woman, please at least change that floral wallpaper in your bedroom." Rosario picked up her chair and sat back down.

"It's my husbands fault we have to always have to have cast offs or second hand because he always gives 80 bloody % of his salary to charity." Mrs. Bishop was by now red in the face.

"Your time is up, get out you tasteless trout. But one thing before you go, second drawer down is a good place to store edible undies. NOW GET OUT" The Bishop's wife raced out of the tent and started to hunt for her husband.

People came in and out at a fast speed. Some with happy faces but most with shock, even a couple of ladies from the committee came screaming and crying out from the tent. Madame Rosario was brilliant, I really did not have a clue most of the time what she was going on about. The money was racking up then next in the queue was Mrs. West. The Hippo was going to see what all the fuss was about and demanded to be seen next.

"Let the Hippo in." Came the haunting voice from inside the tent. Mrs. West pushed Queenie to the ground and charged in.

Once inside Madame Rosario was standing with her arms stretched out and muttering. The muttering got louder and louder until every candle in the tent went out and all Mrs. West could see was Madame Rosario's Face.

"I see a Queen, her reign has been long but cruel." Madame Rosario said in a trans like state.

"What a load of rubbish, you Mexican immigrant " Mrs. West had steam coming out from her ears.

"And here comes the chopper to chop off her head and born is a new Queen with beauty and grace who will reign long and happy after the old Queen's.......... DEATH." Mrs. West nearly blew up and was seen striding  away from the tent shouting

"Rubbish, that woman is totally mad, just like the pervert she works for."

"Judges for the 'Jam of the Year' competition please make there way to the Judging tent. Thank you." The voice announced over the loud speaker.

"Madame Rosario, you are fab and thanks for what you said to the hippo. Won't forget that, now got to go and judge, see you in about thirty minutes."

"If you do what I told you then I will see you in a couple of hours." Rosario piped up and I could hear smirking coming from inside the tent.

I left Madame Rosario happy in her tent, Queenie loved his role and the people were still snaking around in a line to hear the Mystic's words. How fab, time for scone's and Jam, the only problems were the other judges, The Bishop and The Van Da Cock twins.

To be continued.................

Madame Rosario the Mystic Part 3

      By 11am the fete was already busy with people down early to pick off the cake stand and all the good plants. The general pubic were walking around the tents with livestock, flowers and of course the 'Jam of the Year' tent where judging will take place at 4.30pm. 

The fastest pole climber was the first event and what a sight to see, queueing along with the tall hunky farm hands and Bruce's boys from the car wash, was Rosario. Each was paired off; the first to the top went through to the next round. 

Round 1

For some strange reason the guy pulled out, so Rosario marched on to the next victim. 

Round 2 

This next guy starts vomiting just before they fired the gun. He pulled out so Rosario got through to the semi finals.

 Round 3

Geoffrey from Bruce's car wash, strapping lad, put one hand on the pole and started getting cramps in his hands, legs, toes and so he then had to pull out. Rosario had won her way through to the finals without lifting her bony body onto the pole.

 Round 4

 Rosario is on the left pole and Bruce on the right, both poles are 36 feet high with metal steps for you to climb with your hands and feet. By now a large crowd had gathered to see what the old witch would do to poor Bruce. I heard one woman tell another that a bolt of lighting will hit Bruce if he touches that pole.

"Right, who will take a wager, a crate of Sloe Gin that my rodent Housekeeper will beat that sexy, spunky, Ozzie in those tight denim shorts." I shouted loud and clear, and one high-pitched voice came back

"I'll take your bet, Bruce has always been able to shoot up a pole." Screamed back Cedric Van Da Cock one of the hideous twins from Belgium.

"Crispin informs me that Bruce prefers to slide down on a tall pole." Everyone around us starts to laugh and the Van Da Cock twins move a little more to the rear of the crowd. 

"Are you ready, steady"         BANG      and the little ferret was gone, straight up that pole like a rocket was stuck up her arse. Bruce had just got over half way when Rosario rung the bell at the top.

"Just tell Marco to add an extra case of Sloe Gin to my order for Friday and to invoice you, thanks girls.” I tap on Cedric's shoulder as I pass them.

It was a dash to get up to the dog show, oh this was going to be fun. Fanny had asked if she could show my Mexican Chi Wawa, so I could not refuse. Fanny was waiting for us at the tent entrance.

"So where is the dog?" Fanny enquired.

"Right here, Rosario when you get in the ring get on all fours and when the judge comes up growl and show those teeth like mad."

"You are totally mad Dizzy, I will only do it for a couple of those cookies."

"Deal, Rosario give her a couple of cookies and get in that ring Fanny and show off my Satan's Whore."

As they stood waiting, well Satan's Whore was on all fours, the general public watching were in fits of laughter and when the judge came to Fanny and Rosario the tent erupted with applause and then laughter as Satan's Whore growled and dazzled everyone with her teeth, scaring the judge. He then took one final look at all the mongrels and by now the audience was chanting "Satan's Whore, Satan's Whore" over and over. The judge raised his hand for everyone to stop so he could speak. 

"First place goes to the most ugliest and hideous Bitch I have ever seen." The roar from the tent was amazing even before he went up to Fanny the long way, just to avoid Rosario and her teeth. The judge pins the rosette on her to loud cheers. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the disgust on Mrs. West and the Van Da Cock twins faces. In their eyes we are taking the right royal piss out of their fete and if they had their evil way, they would force me out of their precious town.

We had an hour to kill while Rosario changed for the role of Madame Rosario the Mystic so I started to wander around the stalls. As I was taking a gander at all the rubbish from people’s homes, the White Elephant stall, Mrs. Bishop grabs hold of my arm.

"Disnarc, it's so lovely to see you and I hear you are the Guest Judge. My husband is so looking forward to tasting the jam with you." I bet the kinky bugger wants to lick it off me, was my first thoughts in my brain, but I just smiled sweetly at her.

"Disnarc, I need your help as it is our 30 wedding anniversary next week and I really don't know what to buy my husband, any suggestions?" The woman looks at me with pleading eyes.

"I found just the thing a moment ago,” I turn around and start rummaging through the stall. I pick up a ping-pong set and hand it to her.

"Madame Rosario will be giving readings in 15 minutes." Came the voice over the loud speaker.

"Need to dash, but one more thing." I take back the ping-pong ball

"You will not be needing this.” I rush off to put my earpiece in to be ready for 'Madame Rosario the Mystic'. Leaving the poor Bishop's wife standing looking at the two ping-pong bats.

To be continued............. 

Madame Rosario the Mystic Part 2

      With all the rushing around, arranging everything for the fete, I had forgotten it was a Friday night when Marco popped his Roman face around the kitchen door. Marco is the wine Merchant, who as we have found out likes a bit of slap and tickle, less of the tickle and more of slaps. Marco looked Italian, his Black hair to his Roman nose, his designer clothes and brown eyes that undress you. His temper has always let him down and his lack of keeping and being loyal to a steady boyfriend. The last boyfriend had been Bruce and we all know that little story (Rosario Private Dick). So I was quite taken back to see him.

"Marco darling, is it 10pm already, we have been so busy organising the Madame Rosario’s tent."

"It's actually 10.30pm Dizzy, I thought you might like to try this South African wine and tell me what you think tomorrow." Marco placed the bottle on the breakfast bar and started shuffling like he wanted to hang around.

 "Blurt it out, come on remember everyone has seen your U Tube debut, so nothing shocks me." I open the bottle and pick two glasses, then pouring the South African wine Marco had just brought.

"Sit, what's on your mind Marco?"

"It's Rosario" Marco said quiet nervously.

"What has that vermin been up to now?" Taking a gulp of the wine, I can never tell if its good or bad wine, it never hangs about long enough when I chuck liquid down my throat. 

"Well, when I was coming up here with your normal order, I passed the grounds, where the fete is going to be tomorrow and Rosario was there."

"Nothing I don't already know, she left here muttering something about checking on her jam and going to sort Mrs. West out for good."

"No, it was what she was doing." Marco looked quite alarmed.

By this time I was moist thinking what that little rodent was up.

"Spit it out you slapping freak, I'm ageing fast." Pouring another glass and swigging it right back.

"Rosario was walking around the edge of the grounds backwards, carrying a dead chicken under one arm and a wooden doll in her other hand. She was chanting something but could not catch it."

"Don't worry honey she is doing her voodoo rubbish again, only get worried if you catch her on your Birthday at dawn, naked in a field with a newly slaughtered chicken under her arm, running around chanting your name. By sunset you will be dead, this wine is lovely, put a couple of cases on the order for next week."

"She really does scare me Dizzy." Marco looked at me with his big brown eyes.

"Enough about the walking dead, now tell me, did you ever find out who put the U Tube video up?" I know what you are thinking but please the slapping freak is right in front of me, I had to ask.

"No, but I am so glad my 'friend' was not found, but we have stopped our fun for a bit." Marco was starting to open up.

"I only looked at it as a shocked and concerned friend, it was just a shame you and Bruce broke up. Your 'friend' must be quite important for you to keep his identity from anyone. I will tell you this Marco, never mess with married men it always ends in tears. Have you ever meet a bisexual guy who cheats on his live in boyfriend with a girl. It’s always the bisexual guy cheats on his girlfriend with another guy. They never leave their wives."

"I know Dizzy, I want happiness but just can't help myself, quite enjoy all the running around, secret meetings, married men are hot."

"How many do you have Marco?" I look at him in horror, plus wouldn't it be fun tracking Marco to find out who it is.

"6, not counting my special 'friend', it was 9 last year but 2 moved away." Marco said proudly.

"Shame the other 2 left you could have got them all together and had one hell of a slapping party." Trying not to look gob smacked 7 married men running around the town with Marco, this place is getting worse. I pray to the Great lesbian God in the sky one of them is Mrs. West’s husband.

"They are not all into CP, only my friend bi..." Marco stopped short of spilling the beans, but that didn't matter we all knew who it was anyway.

Rosario bursts through the back door holding a dead chicken and a wooden doll that looks just like Mrs. West.

"My path is now clear for me to win the 'Jam of the Year' look out bigot, I'm coming to get you." Rosario slapped the dead chicken right on the breakfast bar on a chopping board in front of Marc, who stands up and announces.

"I'm off, see you tomorrow Dizzy and good luck Rosario." Marco was now near the back door, Rosario looks up to him, grabs a large knife and takes the head of the chicken off in one chop.

"I don't need luck freak, Hahahaha" Marco was out the back door and down my back passage even before she started to laugh.

"Get a fucking grip Medusa, it's only a fete, and we both know you will win the fastest pole climber but the 'Jam of the Year' will be hard even for me to help you on that."

"Just make sure they taste Mrs. West's jam first then make sure you give them 5 minutes before tasting the other 4 jams making mine the last." Her head was down and she was plucking that bird faster than a machine could do.

 "What are you up to?" I was really puzzled.

"Just do as I say drunk poof and it will come clear in the tent." Now she had her hand right up the bird and at that point I said goodnight and left her to it.

To be continued..........

Madame Rosario the Mystic Part 1

     

      Late each summer brings the town’s fete with stalls, games, tents with flowers, livestock, dog show and the 'Jam of the year' competition. This year I wanted to bring something to the fete, so I asked a couple of the girls on the committee around for cake and coffee, to discuss mine and Rosario's participation in the up coming event. Since Rosario started as my housekeeper, I spend some of the day sitting on a stool in the kitchen watching Rosario cooking. Another change was the amount of people coming and going from this room each day, so to have Fiji, Sadie and Fanny over, the best place was the kitchen. Rosario is standing on a stool with her head, shoulders and arms in her massive pot as the three girls tumble into the kitchen laughing.

"What’s is so funny girls?" I enquire sitting on my normal stool.

"You have to take that sign down Dizzy, it's so obscene." Fanny announced and burst into laughter again.

" Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with it." Smirking as I take a sip of my drink.

All deliveries please go through my rear entrance and then up my back passage. Thanks, Love Dizzy x. 

"Mother is not going to be pleased with you when she hears about this one Dizzy." Sadie said grabbing one of my cookies and not a slice of the coffee surprise cake Rosario had made. It looked like a coffee cake and smelt like a coffee cake, but one bite and the heat hit you. 'Surprise' the witch puts chilies through it; well the old dragon puts Chilies in everything.

"Changing the subject quick, have you thought what you would like to do for the fete Dizzy?" Fanny asked with her note pad ready to take down anything important.

"I have discussed with my housekeeper and we have ordered an old fashioned fortunetellers tent. Madame Rosario the Mystic will be giving readings for a small cost, inside said tent."

"Dizzy, that is a wonderful idea, thank you so much, people are going to love getting their fortune told. " Sadie said clapping her hands, the same way Gay man clap their hands in excitement.

"There is more, I want to enter the dog show."

"Just need the breed and pet name." Fanny looked up from the note pad, waiting for a reply.

"Mexican Chiwawa, and her pet name is 'Satan's Whore,' plus I want to enter the Creature into the fastest pole climber." Three faces just looked at me in amazement.

"Dizzy the fortuneteller is a great idea, but you cannot be serious about entering poor Rosario in the pole climbing, Bruce has won that the last four years." Fiji was still gob smacked but slowly started to see what a laugh it would be.

A noise came from the corner where Rosario,  still had her head in the massive pot.

"Did you wheeze lizard breath, can't hear you, get out of the pot first, and then speak." Rosario climbed out of the pot and put her large wooden spoon covered in jam down.

"You can enter me into the 'Jam of the Year' competition?" Said Rosario.

Silence

Complete Silence

"What did I say?" By now Rosario was standing with her hands on her hips, ready to do battle with anyone who thought it was a bad idea. Taking a large swig of Sloe I address my poisonous OAP.

 "Mrs. West has won the 'Jam of the Year' competition for the last 25 years, the Van Da Cock twins are on the judging panel along with the Bishop and one invited guest judge, who always is a close friend of Mrs. West. NO chance of getting that first prize rosette or cup, sorry mutant." Picking up a cookie, then closing my mouth around it.

"Just remember you four slag’s I'm Madame Rosario the Mystic, and I tell you this, last year was her last at winning." She growls and waves the jam-covered wooden spoon in the direction of us all, then climbs back on the stool and leans over the massive pot and starts to stir and mutter under her breath.

"That's another thing Dizzy we want to ask you, as Mrs. West had to resign from the committee after she was arrested but later all charges dropped. The committee had to come up with a Guest Judge and we were wondering if you would consider being the Guest Judge." Sadie asked quite nervously.

"Camp old screamer like me judging the 'Jam of the Year' comp, oh yes please and can I give the rosette and cup to the winner?" Now it was my turn to be clapping like a Gay man.

"Yes, of course we would be honored, you raised more money in one event Dizzy than most raise in a year." Fanny was now joining in on the clapping.

'BANG' was the noise of the wooden spoon hitting the side of the pot, we all stopped clapping and look towards Rosario.

"Never mess with Madame Rosario the Mystic, already my path is becoming clear for me to win." Rosario said menacingly and chuckles, her wandering eye darting from face to face.

"Go boil your head you old goat, I may not think your jam is up to standard, as I'm the Guest Judge."

"Dizzy, we better go and let the other members know you said yes." Fanny said as she stood up to put her coat on and the three girls air kissed me over the breakfast bar and each grabbed a crafty  cookie on their way out.

      What the girls did not know was the plan we had been hatching for sometime now. Rosario will be in the tent with a special earpiece and hidden in the tent will be a microphone to pick up every word. I will be outside the tent wearing an earpiece as well to hear everything, and a speaker to direct Madame Rosario the Mystic on what to say to her victim.  We had gone through some lengths to acquire this piece of technology; mine had to look just like a modern hands free phone so no one will suspect silly Disnarc talking on the phone. I could see in Rosario's wandering eye that fire was in her heart and probably in the jam as well, and now I was guest judge, nothing stood in our way to have some fabulous camp fun down at the fete.

To be continued..........