The Morning After..........

You can always tell when one has had a good night, normally waking with my face pressed against the cold white porcelain of my Royal Doulton bidet. An empty bottle of Sipsmith limited edition Sloe gin at my feet and normally an empty box of Creme eggs if they are still in season (only available January till Easter). This morning was vey different, ok the bottle and empty box were in their normal places but something was very wrong. Before I could peel my face from the porcelain I could hear deep breathing very close to me. To tell the truth it was more like the death rattle, slowly and calmly I opened one eye. Standing in the door way of my private bathroom was Rosario still wearing the orange jumpsuit holding a cup of tea in one hand and a bacon sandwich on a plate in the other. I must have over dosed last night on Sloe Gin and Creme eggs, died and this was my HELL.

Before I could scream my husband walks in, takes the tea and plate off her and says

" Thank you Rosario, first time in 23 years someone has bothered to cook breakfast for me."

He leans down and kisses me on the forehead and remarks

"Have a wonderful day darling, so glad you have help now, by the way, her English is much better than you think. Enjoy" and leaves.

 In the last 15 years of our life I have never been awake for the husband to leave for work. So what time was it because one has not been seen before midday in decades. My head was pounding and the room was still spinning and all I could see was this orange inmate from God only knows where, standing and shaking her head and muttering something over and over again.

After staggering to my feet I start waving my hands and arms about screaming for her to get out and stay away from my private bathroom. I shoved her out of the bedroom onto the hall landing and just pointed to down stairs and stepped back into the bedroom and closed the door. I awoke a few hours later to the birds singing, it must have been a bad nightmare, see everything is peaceful and normal. Most lunch times when I awake I take time to see who has text and I was in for a big shock. 58 texts from different people all with the same question, "Is it true x."

Gossip and Queens go together like strawberries and cream or Sloe Gin and ice or even lube and poppers. The more I tried to hide under the pillows the more I could hear 'You have a new message" over and over again. How the hell do I explain this one away when for the last few months all ones been screaming on about is how lovely it's going to be watching a hunky young guy bent over my bath tub scrubbing away. Instead of an Adonis gracing my parquet flooring it's a brittle boned old hag, who looks like she would me more happy around a campfire sticking pins into dolls. My reputation is going to be shattered, I will be a laughing stock, the invitations will stop and I will end up going to church with the rest of the low life nobody wants.
My mind was racing with questions like.......

How the hell did that bunch of ageing Queens know I had staff? (Stupid question Gay men know everything, we have done it long before it's happened)

Oiled up hunk or a shifty crossed eyed 154 year old? ( Sorry forgot to mention the cross eyes, I did tell you one tries not to have her in ones eye line)

Loyalty in a major crisis, who can we trust? (HaHa, Queens are faster and more stylish leaving a sinking cruise liner than rats)

Yodelling can it really de stress you? (Anything at this moment would help, the next crate of Sloe Gin does not arrive till 4pm)

Flatulence and old people is it really that bad? ( Just get those wonderful men in to give the parquet flooring a once over, the house always smell extra sweet when they leave)

Understanding her will that be a problem? ( No problem my hands are universal, my hands may be around her throat is she doesn't stop muttering 'strange boy' )

Can I call the gay helpline and ask if their could break the news to our son?  (He is straight and as a dying breed he does not like surprises and this is a big SURPRISE)

Kill the sacrifice, I need to tell my MOTHER!!!

To be continued.........