Rosario Don't Answer The Door........

    The main reason for buying this house was the three rooms off the master bedroom. Two for the husband to have a dressing and wet room, the other much larger was my bathroom. The only room in the house I could escape the worries of the day.  Ask any decent Queen and I hope most would say that when preparing to meet the general population being able to prepare in a Fabulous, luxurious, Designer Bathroom with amazing lighting is most important. Above all and until this morning when that inmate from hell wheezed her deadly gases into my heavenly bathroom, only the husband had dreamed of walking in. Amazing things husbands, I can spend all day beautifying myself and the moment I'm in the most unattractive position trying to reach and pluck that stray pubic hair he will walk in. I have laughed and cried in that bathroom, a sanctuary, a friend, my confidant and confessor, not anymore the tides are changing.

This could work, what the hell am I talking about, it has to work until Viscount Spendeverypenny comes back off his latest whoring of the world.  Right now I bet he is in some sordid little whore house with a beautiful Ladyboy who's rubbing STD cream all over him ( Ladyboys have all the luck). I have a lots of patience, I have always been known to be kind to animals so an old person cannot be that different. I will need to put down rules and a 6 foot exclusion zone around my body at all times. Plus she will need a new uniform because if she stays in that inmate onesie any longer the neighbours will think a convict had escaped and has me tied up in the cellar. Swat teams will be jumping onto this house quicker than crabs onto a virgin skin. I am sorry but I'm just not in the mood to have dishy policemen going through my nooks and crannies, but must remember that idea for an afternoon when I'm bored...

Telling the truth is the best policy, all I need to say is a friend has gone away and his maid... no thats not right.....His Housekeeper likes to keep her little (scrawny) hands busy so I have invited her to stay with us until he returns. Feeling more relaxed and finishing the last of my packet of marvellous cocktail cigarettes, you know the ones, all different colours. This fabby friend of mine who is a trolly dolly (ageing now but still the youngest and prettiest on the Saga flights) picks them up for me at duty free, they are brilliant at calming me down if the delivery van with the Sloe Gin has not arrived. Pausing to  take a deep breath I reach for the door nob which would take me from my sanctuary to a world unknown. At the same second I opened that door the Westminster chimes rang loud and clear in my ears. Quicker than a whore pulling off her knickers (if she bothers to wear any) I was on the top of the stairs screaming

"ROSARIO DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR"

Too late those little brittle bones of hers has shuffled over the parquet flooring in the hallway and reached the front door handle and pulled even before I had screamed ROSAR...

What took place will go down as the longest pause in Queen History. On the Front door step peering in was the towns three most Gossiping, bitchy, nasty bunch of Queens you could meet (My closest  dearest older friends) With their mouths down by their designer shoes and eyes popping out like someone has shoved something, somewhere they shouldn't. Three Queens staring at the skeleton in an orange onesie and then looking up at me all shell shocked and sober on the stairs, then back to the orange onesie. Rosario just stood between us smiling with that fake dog smile of hers looking like butter wouldn't melt.

My friends I do Love them,. x

To be continued...............